Marriage and Us
Are you recently engaged, newlyweds, or married for years and looking to learn even more about the art of marriage? Hosts Rob and Robin Atkins discuss what they've learned with honesty, humor, and gospel mindedness. In 34 years of marriage and 10 years as pre and post marriage coaches they practice what they teach. A podcast designed for couples with old tools or no tools wanting to maximize their life together with simple principles that can transform your marriage.
Marriage and Us
S3E09 Oh No, It's The Holidays
In this episode, Rob and Robin delve into the often-overlooked pressures that the holiday season places on couples and families. They explore the conflicting expectations, financial strains, and emotional turbulence that can arise during this festive time.
Through open and honest dialogue, Rob and Robin empower listeners with practical strategies to navigate the holiday season. They aim to strengthen connections with loved ones, helping couples, families and individuals create a more joyful and harmonious festive experience
Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester
Hi, I'm Rob. And I'm Robin. Thanks for listening to Marriage and Us.
SPEAKER_04:Each week we will talk about real life topics that couples experience in everyday married life.
SPEAKER_01:So let's get to today's episode. Yes, it's that time of year again. Oh no, it's the holidays. Oh my. If it all was as simple and soothing as this song. Right?
SPEAKER_04:And there are moments where it is.
SPEAKER_01:It is. I mean, kind of let this wash you over here a little bit. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Beautiful.
SPEAKER_01:Nice. Very good. Welcome in, everybody.
SPEAKER_04:Hey guys.
SPEAKER_01:Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
SPEAKER_04:It is December. It the time has come. Wow. The year is just flown by. I know it. Can you believe it?
SPEAKER_01:I mean, I felt I know we I know Thanksgiving comes the same time pretty much every year, but it just felt like it was really Thanksgiving and then like boom. Just Christmas is here on top of us.
SPEAKER_04:True. Thanksgiving uh was a little later this year because it does fluctuate by a few days. It's kind of weird. It's not like the same day every year. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, so I know I've told you the story. When I was a kid, I just for some reason always thought my sister Terry's birthday was Thanksgiving Day, not realizing that her birthday is the 28th.
SPEAKER_04:And that it fell on Thanksgiving probably.
SPEAKER_01:At that time, I just thought it was always Thanksgiving as a kid, like you know, you're four or five years old or whatever. Okay, how great is it to be born on Thanksgiving? But it was you know, it changes. So anyway, that's how I thought when I was a kid. Anyway, yeah. As we were getting ready today, it just we felt it's kind of important just to understand that for some of us, I I mean again, you said it starting, the holidays are a wonderful time. Right. Most of the time it's family, friends, gifts, getting together, seeing people, laughing, playing games, and all that and we do all those things and they're wonderful.
SPEAKER_04:Absolutely. But but there can be some pickups or stress.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. And I think it's kind of important as we're talking about that. Probably wouldn't you say one of the things we talk with couples a lot about speaking of the holidays are their traditions. Yes, and having and having conversations about blending those traditions together. I mean, what what's some of those that come to mind? I know we've had multiple people tell us stories over the years about their traditions and what that looked like. I mean, what are some practical things that couples have really spoken to us about when it comes to the holidays?
SPEAKER_04:Uh I think uh hands down, probably the one that we hear about most frequently is uh the timing of when certain things happen within that holiday, especially pertaining to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Okay. That some people like to open their gifts on Christmas Eve.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_04:And then they spend more family time together and have dinner, you know, things like that on Christmas Day. And there are other people who get up on Christmas morning, open gifts, and then they celebrate throughout the day, you know, with a meal or whatever. And also uh the way that they're dressed for these occasions is also important very, very uh it can swing from one to the other.
SPEAKER_01:Because if you don't have that discussion, we've had a few couples that we've had to counsel after the holidays that it was like, Well, I got up and my hair is sticking, you know, every direction, and I walk downstairs and the whole family is dressed. Right.
SPEAKER_04:Like they're really dressed, they're dr they're dressed up, right?
SPEAKER_01:And I'm still in my pajamas and whatever the case may be, you know. So, or the other way, you get totally fixed up and you walk down, and everybody else is just like super casual on their sweatpants.
SPEAKER_04:Still hanging in their yeah, their their jammies for the day, right?
SPEAKER_01:Whatever it may be. I know. I do. We've never we never did this. I always find it so I love holiday pictures a lot when families do that and they all dress in the same pajamas. I don't know why that's just funny to me.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, it's cute. I know I like it too.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and then sometimes they put their dogs or their cats in it. I don't know why that's I just think that's yeah, the whole family. Yeah, I think it's kind of cute.
SPEAKER_04:It is, it's fun. It's corny, cheesy. Right, but the holidays, there's this element of the holidays that they are a little corny and cheesy, and that's part of the fun of all of it, you know?
SPEAKER_01:But I think but that is you know, all joking aside, that is a conversation that you should have as a couple, especially for a new couple, so that you the expectations are laid out so you don't have a chance for an argument or a disagreement during the holidays.
SPEAKER_04:Yes. I think that you know, it's it's also that uh teeter-totter that you can get on with both families want to spend time with you. You know, and so where is it you're going to spend Christmas? Where, you know, uh some some families rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving or Christmas and New Year's, you know, so there's all of that element that, especially with newlyweds, I think that's something that happens a lot, um, where you're just trying to figure out how to make that happen, or is that possible, especially when your families maybe live miles and miles apart from each other, maybe they're not even in the same city or state. Yes, you know, um, that can be really hard.
SPEAKER_01:And that hit me too, thinking about that. I know we're I know this we're talking um obviously about couples, but when it comes to that as well, too, I think as if you're as your kids get older and they get married, that can be very um I mean, it happened for us. I remember the first Christmas that Maddie wasn't with us, and that was I was a little sad.
SPEAKER_04:Sure, right after she got married, right, and there was that first Christmas. Yeah, it I mean it's it's different. And even for uh yeah, for couples that become empty nesters or their kids go away to call you know, where their kids aren't coming home for the holidays. Yeah, it's uh it's a totally uh it it's tough. Yeah. It it can be really, it can be sad and and something that you have to work through. And yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And and talking about it, you know, obviously with your spouse, it I think that that's a thing that can help alleviate, you know, to say, you know, I am a little sad. I am, you know, that you know, your your son or your daughter aren't there, or they're not gonna be able to be on Christmas. Because if you're especially if it's something that's new to you, I mean you've got however many years they've been at home and it's just they're there every year. Right. And obviously, you know, it can be a little different, you know, if if your kid goes away to college or something, you know, that and maybe they can't make it home, but you know, having those discussions I I think is important, which leads us to, especially when it comes to family dynamics and planning, you know, your expectations versus reality.
SPEAKER_03:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, and finding the joy in the imperfect moments.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, isn't that the truth? And I think that that uh I know for me, I'll speak for myself, you know, uh my mom was Mrs. Christmas in so many ways. Like, you know, the holidays we she just would just go for it when it came to decorating.
SPEAKER_01:Your mom decor I didn't know you could decorate for Groundhog's Day, but evidently you can, which you picked up from her because we decorate for every holiday.
SPEAKER_04:So there's maybe not Groundhog's Day, but if there had been decorations for it, she probably would have bought it.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, uh, when it comes to the holidays, yes.
SPEAKER_04:Yes, you know, so I grew up in a home where uh yeah, where like you know, the holidays it it was, you know, you're gonna put out decorations for not only Christmas, but you know, you're gonna make everything look great for in any and every until I married you.
SPEAKER_01:I didn't know there were decorations, I mean, for Thanksgiving. I mean, we just didn't do that. Sure. I mean, we ate our decorations, the turkey. That was that was the decoration. That's what we that's what we had. And now we have in decorations all over the house.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Pumpkins and uh and everything. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I love the fall. I mean, for me, the holidays start in yeah, the beginning of October, really. And you know, it's just yeah, they they they transition from pumpkins to Christmas trees. But uh, yeah, I mean, I love all of them.
SPEAKER_01:You're traditionalist, though. I mean, this really could spark a debate. So please don't send us your comments. There's just no shame with this. But we have friends that like, I mean, their Christmas, as soon as it turns November, I mean November 1st. The Christmas is going out. They don't wait for Thanksgiving to be over. It's just like, let's go Christmas.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, absolutely. There are a lot of people that we know that eat their Thanksgiving meal surrounded by all their Christmas decorations, you know. I mean, so you know, again, these are all things that we're not becoming.
SPEAKER_01:You're wrong.
SPEAKER_04:No, we're not. No, I am a traditionalist. I I like the day after Thanksgiving, then I want to transition.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And but we leave ours up like till January 1st.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, yeah, our Christmas. Sometimes even past that, maybe a week or two. Yeah. I mean, depending on how busy we are.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, because I mean, if there's a lot that goes in that we like, for example, we just finished up our outside lights, got all that going. Uh, some of you know that uh we're big Star Trek fans, you know, we're very much nerdy. I have we have a whole tree dedicated just to Star Trek.
SPEAKER_04:Wow, you're gonna go there.
SPEAKER_01:I'm gonna post a picture of that because oh, don't act like you're no, I love Star Trek too. You're just cracking me up. I felt a little bit there. You're just as nerdy as let me tell you about Robin. Robin and her sister Denise, they used to like act like Uhura and the Yeoman, and they had another couple. Well, they everybody knows what Star Trek is. I mean, come on. Yes, they do. I believe they do. But and then a couple of your neighbor friends, they were like Captain Kirk and you guys would act like we were kids.
SPEAKER_04:We'd pretend, yeah, we'd pretend we're on the Starship Enterprise. I mean, that was a show that was on every day when we were like kids and reruns.
SPEAKER_01:Acted like Captain Kirk or had people to act with. But if you knew people, you would have, you know, but you're hardcore though. So don't, yeah, yeah, that's one of the reasons I love you. So my gosh.
SPEAKER_04:Live so back to the live to the topic uh that we're here for today. Expectations. Yeah, expectations versus reality. Yeah, versus reality.
SPEAKER_01:Things are going to happen.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, and it it's it's being able to uh find joy, like you said, in things that are imperfect moments that are gonna happen. Encourage flexibility, yes, to be flexible. You know, for us, like I said, my mom, you know, put up so many decorations and and uh Rob's family. I remember that first Christmas, it was kind of hard because your dad really wasn't into Christmas that much. And and uh I can remember that first Christmas going to your family's house, and your mom had like this little sad tree that it wasn't as sad as the Charlie Brown Christmas tree, but it was pretty sad. And I remember just I mean, being so sad through that whole little Christmas moment with them, that whole, you know, those days that we were there, because it was shocking compared to what I was used to.
SPEAKER_01:But you know, it's hitting me as we're talking here. Uh I'm having a huge flashback. I don't know where that changed for us because that one season, I mean, if you remember the house that we had in Alabama, we had a big like pine tree out in the front. You mean your family, yeah. My family. And we decorate, and that thing was like 20 feet. We had lights in it. And then I remember one year, Dad, we oh, I'm sorry about the cry here, whatever. I'm just having these emotional flashbacks. I remember we did this door, this huge door we painted white, and we did it with glitter and had Merry Christmas on it, and we had floodlights on it.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, it was like a uh yard decoration.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it made like a big postcard or something sitting out there in the yard.
SPEAKER_04:So yeah, I'm not, I'm not that's yeah, you don't know where it changed where all of a sudden.
SPEAKER_01:But that's a great memory. You know, now thanks for bringing that up. That kind of triggered that. So that was that's a wonderful. And we had the um, I know some people did it on their Christmas tree. Do you remember the spinning wheel that had like different colors?
SPEAKER_04:Oh, yeah, we had one.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, we had one of those too.
SPEAKER_04:So yeah, where it would turn the tree different colors, especially on the silver metal trees. That was like a big thing. You had that color wheel to turn the silver different shades of you know, different red, blue, green, yellow, I think were the colors.
SPEAKER_01:Um that like can do a whole, you know, display at your house is like, you know, oh yeah, you can have a movie on your house, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_04:Incredible, yeah. Yeah, so I mean we've seen a lot in our lifetime, haven't we? Yeah. So but going back to that for a minute, I really love that that spurred a happy memory for you. And I do think that that's also something that's really important, not only when you first get married, but I mean, here we are 35 years in, and you're talking, and there's there's a few things that you just said about your childhood with that. I didn't know y'all decorated the big pine tree that was in the front of your house. So, you know, it I think that those traditions and those stories are so important to help us understand each other as husband and wife. I think it's you know, it just draws us closer and it really opens a window to let us see inside of each other and how we view all kinds of things, but especially the holidays. And I love that that you just shared that. I think that's really sweet. And um, and and your mom did uh just as a little side note. So we bought a a really pretty little Christmas tree for her, remember the the next year, and she loved that tree and decorated it all the time, you know, whenever we would come down for the holidays.
SPEAKER_01:Um but it's keeping the you know the the thing is, and obviously these things change, like what we just talked about at the beginning as your kids grow up. But when you're like you're a new couple and this is your first Christmas, you know, and as that progresses, the flexibility to understand how your kids are going to act, what Christmas is going to be like, you know, did they cry when they went and saw Santa this year, whatever the case when you know, where some kids love it.
SPEAKER_04:So it's just sure that they're and even Santa, like some people that's what I mean.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean, I think it's just uh understanding you've got to be flexible and understand that in these type of moments, you know, that I think I think when disappointment sets in, like, you know, we I want the perfect Christmas, and you just gotta give yourself some slack, yes, and just enjoy and laugh about those things that don't that don't go well, you know. I mean, maybe the dogs run in your house like in the Christmas story, and your turkey or your ham, whatever they can, you know. I mean, that those make for for great stories, so for sure.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, I love that.
SPEAKER_01:Time speaking of that, time management.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, let's talk about time management and the holidays. Oh man.
SPEAKER_01:That can that can be difficult because there it's a combination, especially as a couple, things are you're you're getting through, you just got through Thanksgiving. Now you're moving into the holidays. There's all these expectations. And for a lot of, if you're working, the end of the year can for some people, you know, depending on your job, can be stressful because you're trying to close out a year. Right. So not only do you have Christmas coming here, but now you've got all these pressures for work. For other people, it slows down. Yeah, it's life is not as busy, and it and it's a great time. So having those to discuss and prioritizing tasks and events because there's there's parties.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, if you're like for us in a church community, you know, there's Christmas, multiple Christmas parties you're invited to.
SPEAKER_04:Yes. Oh, so much. And I think that, you know, it's always uh changing as you grow as a couple, you know, from the from the newly wed stage to when you have a baby to now you have kids and their schedules and what they need to accomplish, and you're trying to, you know, it it it can really start growing as things go. And um, I think it's just so important to be sure to, you know, maybe create some type of calendar that you can look at together to say, okay, here's what we know is ahead of us for the month. Yes, right. Yeah. And within that, learning to have some good discussions, prioritizing what's the most important. Because you can't go to everything. No, you can't. And and and being okay with saying, Yeah, you could, and you just wear yourself out. And that's part of the burnout, holiday burnout if you're not careful. So, you know, learning how to prioritize, to really sit and discuss why. Uh, you know, like maybe look at the the different events that are happening throughout the month and the maybe the top three you, you know, that are important to you, have your spouse write down the same, and then begin to just discuss those things. And it's okay to say no, like you said. Yes, can't do it all. Set boundaries because in the midst of all of it, if you're not careful, you'll be running from place to place, thing to thing, and then you really miss out on the connection, the personal time together of the holidays are supposed to be when you're home. I I think I was telling you, like, uh well, we're talking about time management and wanting to do things like you know, it there's a part of me that I always think, wow, it'd be so fun if like every day for the month of December, like you know, Monday through Friday, you know, you and I snuggle up on the couch and we try to watch a Christmas movie every, you know, every night. I mean, it sounds so great, right? But at the same Thanks a lot.
SPEAKER_01:It's it's because it's football season and I love football, but it was good with the snuggling part. And but a Hallmark movie No, not Hallmark.
SPEAKER_04:Like no, like the good like the I like Hallmark. I mean, Hallmark is okay and they're we'll just let that alone. Yeah. Um, but no, I'm talking about, you know, like the classic Christmas movies that that we both would really enjoy. Like, and it sounds great in a way, it just sounds like, oh, so like, you know, so Christmas, Christmassy, uh, but not realistic at all. I mean, you know, not not realistic at all. There's no way we're gonna carve out two hours every night to sit in the living room and watch a movie, you know.
SPEAKER_01:So we do like for us, like one of our traditions that we've had for a long, long time is White Christmas. I mean Right. There's a few movies that were like, we are gonna watch this movie. No joke. Probably we'll probably watch it at least 10 times.
SPEAKER_04:I hope.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. But I mean, we do typically, I mean, we try to watch it multiple times. Always on in the background if we're we're doing something or whatever. So it's uh oh, what a great that's speaking of great memories. Uh, what was about four years ago? You and Maddie surprised me on my birthday, and we went and saw White Christmas on a big screen in downtown Franklin. Yeah. Remember that?
SPEAKER_04:Oh, yeah, that was really fun. They do that every year, they have the Christmas movies ever at the theater at the Franklin Theater. That was really good.
SPEAKER_01:And then we went and saw White Christmas on Broadway. I mean at Blood. Well, off Broadway or whatever.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, here at T Pac.
SPEAKER_01:That was yeah, that was very fun.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, that was fun.
SPEAKER_01:Well, those are good memories. Yes. So uh continue with it, thoughts. So obviously navigating family dynamics. Um, how how do you have a harmonious harmonious?
SPEAKER_04:Harmonious. I like it.
SPEAKER_01:It's a great word. Say the right word because I can't. Harmonious. Thank you. I'm not even going to try because now I'm thinking about it. And I want to say harmonica, but that's not the word. So anyway. So communicating openly. And like what she said, going back to the time manager, you've got to be able to discuss these are the things what we can do, what we can't do. And then if something falls through, you've got to be able to communicate that and talk about that and discuss that. Because you don't want, like you said, you don't want the holidays to come and go and you've just been so busy. Right. That you didn't have to take time to celebrate that and celebrate each other.
SPEAKER_04:And yeah. I think it's finding, yeah, finding time for what's most important to you. And honestly, a lot of this as newlyweds, you know, you can be proactive and try to figure out all of this in advance. I know we're already sitting at December 8th, and maybe you have had these kind of discussions, but if you haven't and you're just kind of working through it this first year after the Christmas season's over, yeah. I mean, I think it's cool to sit and just discuss those things and, you know, find out what worked well, what you want to change, you know, all those kind of things. But with family dynamics, you know, especially um when you're newlywed, I think that it's, you know, that that open communication where you're just well, it's yeah, effective communication.
SPEAKER_01:You've got to be able to tell and you've got to learn. You I mean, the holidays can really kind of reveal a lot of times where you need to develop better communication.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And how how did we deal with stress? And you you and I have talked about this multiple times. Productive conflict, I mean, couldn't be more alive during the holidays. So instead of running away from these, you know, these difficult moments that may happen, make sure whether it's happening in the moment or after the holidays are over, that you're able to talk about, say, that was stressful, right? I mean, yeah, how how do we plan better, you know, going to looking at all these type things, time management, navigating family dynamics, and having healthy communication. So we make sure you set some time after the holidays. And I I know most people don't think about that because the holidays are here, then they go.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_01:But but if you're able to have some type of communication either in the moment or afterwards, to say, hey, well, what can we do next year so we don't have have this stress?
SPEAKER_04:Yes, yes, that is so good.
SPEAKER_01:And you said this just a second ago. Uh it's a story that we heard quite a while back. You know, I think, and this wasn't on our notes, so I'm just gonna throw this out for you to think about. I think a lot of times when you're the mom and dad, and you have your kids that are now adults, that they're married, when they start developing their own traditions, like what if, you know, what if Maddie and them, you know, or Jared said, Hey, we're we're not going to know parents this year. Right, like we're gonna have a Christmas on their own. And go we're gonna go down to Florida or something. You know, those are I mean, we know parents that Yeah, but it would be really hard.
SPEAKER_04:It wouldn't set well. But I but I'm a big I I'm a big advocate for that.
SPEAKER_01:I think that you may have to go back and listen to this later and remind myself of what I said. But but that is I think you know, developing those sure when your kids want to have maybe a holiday on their own. Um I love what you did. I'm I'm gonna share that. You and you just recently, I know, called Maddie the other day and said, Hey, we were thinking about what if on New Year's Eve, New Year's, sorry, Christmas Eve, we came to your house because it kind of hit you, you don't really have any memories.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, she doesn't have any memories of her house yet. And I thought that's a good thing. Because they're you know, they've only been married a few years.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and I thought that was so great of you for for you to recognize that and and offer that. So oh, thank you.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I think it's important. And I and and I encourage all of you parents out there, you know, with with uh kids that are married now and all. I know a lot of times it's like that that tradition of always, you know, the kids come to the parents' house, but you know, I think it's great to flip things up some and especially when kids start getting into the picture.
SPEAKER_01:I mean if you if they have small kids and it might be easier for you if it's just the two of you to go somewhere where Yeah, to go to their home where they already feel yeah, so that they're not having to travel with kids.
SPEAKER_04:I love that.
SPEAKER_01:I did want to add one last thing on effective communication, and we see this a lot during the holidays. It's very important that as you're having that communication, you're talking about whatever has stressed you out, that you keep it about how you felt. You we've talked many times in the past about the U-bombs. Yeah, you have to be careful now if you did this or the one, this just hit me.
SPEAKER_04:If your family Right, if your family would just fill in the blank.
SPEAKER_01:And that that can be a very triggering figure. Yes, absolutely. Even though we know as you're listening, there may be some truth in those things. I mean, for example, like you were talking about the decorations, you know, when we first got married, it was I kind of I don't know if it was because it was so new to me how you guys did Christmas. I mean, I would check out a lot of times.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah. I mean, so to paint that out a little bit, you know, Rob's family, there was just a lot of um unknowns whenever they would gather together due to certain family members that didn't get along really well, but yet still would come together for Christmas. Right. It was something that you saw as a pattern even growing up. So, you know, uh a Christmas for Rob could be a good Christmas, right, with your family, but it also could end in a blowout argument.
SPEAKER_01:Somebody saying something at the dinner table, and the next thing you know, I mean, this this is real world, this happened. We're leaving.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, y'all would pack up and go. Your dad would say we're leaving right now.
SPEAKER_01:But all the gifts had to go in the car and we're driving back home. I mean, it was just like, well, what has just happened?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah. And so, and then he marries into my family, and so Christmas for us is just, I mean, we're gonna we're gonna be loud probably for the most part, we're gonna laugh a lot, we're going to play board grant games like crazy. For all to hear, yeah, we're singing along to Christmas songs, we're dancing around the room, we're uh, you know, going hiking in the woods. I mean, it's just like all these activities, which in my mind, knowing the kind of childhood Rob had and that that was stressful, I thought, wow, he is just gonna love our Christmas then because you know, we're just having a party for three days. And and yeah, you would check out. I can remember uh probably the first time that you'd done that. We were all we we uh my parents had like a you know a house with a couple of different like two-story house, and we were all downstairs, and all of a sudden I just realized you weren't there. And when I went upstairs, you were you had climbed in bed and it was like the middle of the day and you were completely asleep, checked out. And I remember I just couldn't understand what you know what was going on or why you would do that. And and I remember it took a while for you to unlock those feelings to just say, I don't know how to engage. Uh I want to engage, but it's I just I've never seen anything, yeah. I've never experienced that kind of Christmas. And and I think it took probably uh two or three years um for you to really kind of start finding your footing when you were with my family, and um, and vice versa for me with your family as well, because I wasn't used to that kind of tension to where it was like, oh gosh, we're sitting here and if anything goes wrong, right? You know, it was like a pins and needles kind of thing.
SPEAKER_01:Um but you were such a big help through that, because I mean, through that we'd learn to create our own traditions and how we choose to have Christmas. And I think I know we're talking about the holidays, but I think that's important as a as a couple, as you communicate and you talk about these things, that you realize I I think it starts hitting you at the longer you're married. Oh, we don't have to do it exactly.
SPEAKER_03:Right. We don't have to do it the way we grew up.
SPEAKER_01:And we and we choose how we celebrate with our ourselves, with our kids, what that looks like. You know, like for us, for example, uh, you know, I know we'll touch on this briefly, you know, budgets are a big thing. I mean, we just we didn't buy Maddie that many gifts. I mean, we were always the philosophy, you know, during the year. If if if we had the finances and there was something she liked, we would purchase it, you know. So because the holidays can, if you're not careful as a parent, you really start feeling that pressure as a couple, especially with younger kids, of like, you know, I've got to buy them all this stuff. And teaching them the difference between obviously as Christians, I mean, uh, this is not in our notes, but yeah, I'm still gonna say it. You know, the holidays, yes, it's Christmas, but it's still about the birth of Jesus, celebrating that who he is in our lives. Yes, gratitude. And giving, giving, you know, it's not just just giving gifts, but it's being it's learning how to be together. So when it so encouragement, if it comes too much about the gift giving and less about what the holiday should represent as our family spending time together, right? Creed and memories.
SPEAKER_04:Another thing that we did looking, you know, when you're talking about that, my mind's going back into those moments. And we um I think we even did, we were even involved in certain aspects of this before we had our daughter. Um but finding ways, like you said, to give back to the community. Find yeah, things were you know, it can it could could look like a soup kitchen. Yeah. Um I remember when Maddie was small, we went to this big inner city event where um you brought gifts for kids that that are in need, yeah. And I can remember the expression on her face the first time that she encountered that to know that there are children that don't have very much. And those moments really helped to reframe the holidays for us, reframe Christmas for us. And so I really encourage you guys, whether you're a young couple and that you know you're just learning to celebrate the holidays together, or you have kids, or you're empty nesters. There's just something about Christmas and finding places where you can serve your community, where you can give back. It could look like with your kids. I mean, with your kids, but I'm saying even without your kids when you're you know first married or empty nesters, making that impact.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I mean, so it's it's so vivid, you know, with Maddie again. I can remember her, you know, going through every year wanting to give away toys that she didn't play with anymore. So it's those moments, you know, reframing what the holidays even toys she loved, or even toys she loved, but reframing what that looks like.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So that they understand that the it is the season of giving, not just receiving.
SPEAKER_04:Right. Right. Yeah. Getting to know our neighbors, you know, around us and Christmas cards or cookies.
SPEAKER_01:There's just so much. Yeah. You know, this next topic is um if you're listening today, it can be it can be tough because th there's seasons in our life, unfortunately, where we lose somebody that we love. If this is if you're in this place where maybe this is your first holiday, you've lost a parent or a loved one, a brother or sister, whatever the case may be, it can be can be triggering when somebody, you know, passes away near the holidays.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, it's very hard. It's hard regardless. Really, no matter when your loved one passes away. The holidays are for so many of us are times when family gets together and um yeah, and if there's someone not not there, not present anymore. It is it's tough. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, and so finding ways to remember, to be able to talk about it.
SPEAKER_04:Yes, I think, um, to be able to um let yourself even grieve. Because sometimes I think with the holidays, the expectations are so high you might shove things down thinking I just need to plow through. But to allow yourself to feel what you want to feel and and let the grief carry you where it needs to go so that you can release whatever needs to be released. Let's just say it like that. I mean, I can remember both of us have uh, you know, you're you've lost both your parents. Um, my mom passed in uh five years ago. And so yeah, being able to uh to uh walk through that with a lot of grace for yourself. Yeah. And as a spouse, I know you may not always know what to say, or that at least you may tell yourself you don't know what to say, but you just being present with your spouse that might be in a season of grief, and uh yeah, just being there with them is that's enough. It's more than enough.
SPEAKER_01:Because you think about, I mean, the holidays, there's typically so many pictures that are taken, you know, or videos that are taken.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Uh gifts that are given that are displayed, or whatever the case, or a sweater or something that you, you know, your mom always bought me these were the worst sweaters. They were awful. And every year I would just smile and say it's the greatest, the greatest, greatest thing ever. But but remembering those moments, you know, again, allowing yourself to know that it's okay to grieve, like you said, and have those emotions, but then finding ways to honor them and celebrate them and laugh about you know situations.
SPEAKER_04:The memories and the funny moments. Yeah, it's so beautiful, you know, and and there's also grief like what we've been talking about a little bit throughout the podcast. If this is your first Christmas without your your kids around, you know, um, and you're you're just trying to work through that. There's there's uh you know, grief that comes with change, not only the loss of a loved one, but also just things changing. Uh maybe not everybody can get together like they used to.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:That type of thing, you know, and it it's hard. Um, and it's it's amazing how you can feel lonely even in a room full of people.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:You know, sometimes too.
SPEAKER_01:Speaking of, I mean, that's that's that's a big part. We hear, you know, we that's probably the number one thing that you see when you read different things during the holidays, what people are experiencing. Loneliness is a is a big thing during the holidays.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, so I I I want to encourage you as well too, you know, maybe you got a family member you don't see as much or a friend, you know, a text or a telephone, hey, just want you to know I'm thinking about you during the holidays. You know, so that's it's that emotional, uh, and then even for ourselves, you know, loving ourselves during the holidays as well, too, is is is crucial. You know, but so it's it it it's it's interesting, yeah, the dynamics, because I think we just want to brush over that it's all wonderful, and it is, but for for not for but not for everybody, right?
SPEAKER_04:But I think that when you're when you have friends, when you have people that you're surrounded with to share how you feel uh in tough moments, really just it's it's just so healing. Yeah, you know, it's so good. And I hope everything that we've talked about on this episode is encouraging. Um because really I think the the takeaway from it for me is you know, prepare as much as you can and give your great give yourself grace for what you could never plan for, that'll just be a surprise and make hopefully make for a funny story later on. Uh yeah, the holidays are beautifully messy at times.
SPEAKER_01:And um but well, I think that's why it goes back to what I said earlier, and I do want to close with this understanding that gifts are great, the holidays are great, and and all that. But I mean, for us, it really is reminding ourselves of the greatest gift that was ever given, which is Jesus. I mean, that's really for us what is when that when that loses the focus for you to remind yourself, you know, what is Christmas really about? So keeping that in the forefront, even like what we're talking about, serving in the community. Well, where is your I guess that the the challenge that we put forth to you as couples, as parents, as whatever the case, remind yourself, well, what is the emphasis of the holidays?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And if it's even if it's a place like whether whether you're going through grief, whether it's loneliness or whether it's hectic, we're gonna where you can have that moment to pause and remind yourself, you know, God loved me so much, He sent His only begotten Son.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:What a what a gift.
SPEAKER_04:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:And that's more important than a gift or anything else that we can do, just reminding ourselves that somebody loved us so much. That and that we and and I understand, because I've had Christmas by myself where I've been, you know, I didn't go home. And and and I understand the loneliness, but when you remind yourself that you're really, I know it sounds cheesy, but you're really never alone because he's always there with you. I mean, that's that's a gift that can really be and it's not cheesy.
SPEAKER_04:I think it's beautiful. You think so? Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, good. Any other thoughts?
SPEAKER_04:Nope. I think we're I think we're finished for now.
SPEAKER_01:It's a good holiday.
SPEAKER_04:It is.
SPEAKER_01:I enjoy Christmas.
SPEAKER_04:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:So wherever you're at.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, we bless you guys through this beautiful month. Take time for yourself and for your family.
SPEAKER_01:And snuggled up. That was the line. And they're probably watching Christmas movies. That's this is your song. I mean, giddy up, giddy up. Hey, wherever you may be, thanks for listening.
SPEAKER_04:Yes, guys. We'll talk to you soon.
SPEAKER_01:Have a great holiday.
SPEAKER_04:Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_01:Bye.
SPEAKER_00:Us underscore podcast and on Twitter at Marriage Us. Also, hit the follow button so you never miss an episode from your favorite couple.