Marriage and Us
Are you recently engaged, newlyweds, or married for years and looking to learn even more about the art of marriage? Hosts Rob and Robin Atkins discuss what they've learned with honesty, humor, and gospel mindedness. In 34 years of marriage and 10 years as pre and post marriage coaches they practice what they teach. A podcast designed for couples with old tools or no tools wanting to maximize their life together with simple principles that can transform your marriage.
Marriage and Us
S3E07 Embracing the Inevitable: How Change Shapes Our Marriage
Join Rob and Robin in this episode as they delve into the powerful theme of change in marriage. Explore how life’s transitions shape both personal growth and relationship dynamics. From navigating new parenthood to embracing individual aspirations, Rob and Robin share heartfelt stories and practical insights on adapting together. Discover how to thrive in love while embracing the inevitable changes that come your way.
Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin. Thanks for listening to Marriage and Us. Each week we will talk about real-life topics that couples experience in everyday married life. So let's get to today's episode. Hello everybody out there.
Speaker 3:Hi how you doing.
Speaker 1:How you doing.
Speaker 3:I'm good. How are you doing?
Speaker 1:I'm glad to be back. We've had a little break here.
Speaker 3:I know this year is just. We're to July. How did that happen?
Speaker 1:Well I know, Can you believe it? We're five months away from Christmas.
Speaker 3:Are we?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah're five months away from Christmas, are we? Yeah, yeah, five months.
Speaker 1:Wow, Incredible right.
Speaker 3:Good grief yeah.
Speaker 1:So thanks for joining us on the podcast today. If this is your first time listening to us, I'm Rob and I'm Robin that you are. Just wanted to clarify that. I know it says it on the intro, but I always like to say that. But no, life's been busy, Lots of things happening. I don't think the last time we were on you had actually had the big transition that you're in.
Speaker 3:Maybe, not. No, I know. So the beginning of June, so it's been about five weeks ago. Five or six weeks ago now, I went ahead and retired from my job that I had for 10 years At the hospital yeah, working in the HR department.
Speaker 1:You were a brain surgeon? No, you weren't.
Speaker 3:No way.
Speaker 1:I thought that's what you did there this whole time very funny oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:Oh no, I I was uh oh man, sorry, I couldn't pass that up I worked in human resources and did many things over the last, like I said you, were a brain surgeon oh man, oh so, but yeah, whole new world, um, you know, being here on the farm and just enjoying being out in the sun during the day and for some of you don't that don't know.
Speaker 1:The reason she highlights that is where she worked in. The hospital was on the lowest floor. He possibly could be it was the basement basement pretty much the basement level. There was no windows.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 1:And for some of you that know, robin, that's just like it was a dungeon, basically. You know, yes, that's what we all called it. Oh, did you really? Okay, yeah.
Speaker 3:So we, we, we worked down in the dungeon, yeah, so that was probably the most challenging part of the job that I had, because I love being out in the sun, I love gardening.
Speaker 1:You're a Florida girl.
Speaker 3:Yes, grew up in Florida.
Speaker 1:Had a pole.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly, so I like being outside.
Speaker 1:I know if you live in Florida and you're listening to this everybody has a pole, but Nashville not. Everybody has a pool, no, not everyone has a pool here.
Speaker 3:But yeah, that was really hard, especially in the winter season. I would get to work and it's dark.
Speaker 2:And when I'm getting out at the end of the day the sun's already setting.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, there would be a good three months where I barely saw the sun. You know, saw sunlight, so it's been awesome.
Speaker 1:It's like living in Alaska.
Speaker 3:Yeah, maybe I don't know. Yeah, I mean, well, I get it. Yeah, right the sun goes right. Maybe it's a little bit of a stretch. I don't think it's the same thing as Alaska, but Okay, sorry, alaska. Oh, so it's. Yeah, it's just awesome to just go outside whenever I want, and I have sweated more in the last, you know, six weeks than I have no-transcript.
Speaker 1:This sounds terrible. It's been um. This sounds terrible. You came in the other day. I thought for sure.
Speaker 2:You said you were up there picking the legs off the ants. That's not what you said, but what it sounds like man, those ants have really ticked her off.
Speaker 1:I mean, she is went to war with those things but you were not.
Speaker 3:No, I forget what I said, but I know you said you were picking the legs off the ants. I'm like no, I was not. What in the world, how would one even go about doing that?
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 3:I'm waterboarding the ants. I was trying to drown the ants.
Speaker 1:You were trying to drown the ants.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I've tried everything. So if you're out there and you have an idea of how I can you know, get rid of the ants, because it's the ants and the aphids and yeah.
Speaker 2:So anyway, we're chasing a rabbit right now.
Speaker 3:So what are we? What are we talking about today, besides ants?
Speaker 1:Well, since you brought that up, actually our top topic today is about change.
Speaker 3:Okay, so they so how.
Speaker 1:I did that, um, probably well I don't know if probably is the right word over the years of what we've been doing with marriage counseling and doing the podcast. Uh, premarital, a lot is that I would say. That word stirs up more emotion and discussion than just about anything that we talk about change.
Speaker 3:Yes, I would say so, a lot of it's a lot of the how do you struggle. Yes, is based in. Yeah, how do you change what?
Speaker 1:what does change look like? Why is he not changing? Why?
Speaker 2:is she not?
Speaker 1:changing. Uh so all it's. It's a just a dynamic of uh stress that so many couples just struggle with how to process. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I mean, what kind of got us on this some of you that have listened to us in the past? We have a term that we use for conflict that we just added the word productive conflict. We added a word in front of that.
Speaker 3:In front of the word conduct Conflict yes. Conflict. Sorry, I think I said conduct, but it does have to do with conduct sometimes. That's okay, yes, but adding productive to the word conflict. Let me get you back on track.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so productive conflict, yes, and the power that we've seen in not only in our own lives but other couples that we introduced that phrase to, how it does begin to shift their minds on understanding that there are positive things that can come out of conflict, because most of us run from conflict, especially in our marriage. But any relationship, if our friendship, whatever, you know, co-worker, you can run away from that because you just don't want to have to be confronted with something. So it got us thinking again, understanding that I've got this written down that life, first of all, change is inevitable, but it's an opportunity for growth that can lead to deeper connection and resiliency in a relationship. Yes.
Speaker 1:Understanding that. You know that it is transformative. You were going through some analogies as we were getting ready to talk about this, of changes in our life, but it really it's understanding that it is, it's a natural part of life and it's there you could look at there's life stages.
Speaker 3:Okay, talk about that.
Speaker 1:So each stage of life and it brings its own set of changes, from dating to marriage, For most couples, parenthood. So learning to acknowledge these phases. It comes with unique challenges, obviously, but joys and it helps each couple. You know when you really it's a mental and emotional, Obviously, we believe, a spiritual part of our life that change Again, it's happening.
Speaker 3:Yes, change every day. Day, something changes we change. Even just based on what we experience in a day can bring about change. Sometimes it's very tiny, it might be gosh. It could be something as simple as if you're used to eating dinner at six o'clock every evening and you know I have to work late. Well, now we're going to eat at seven. So you might say, well, you know, would you really call that change, but it's, you know when people are used to patterns when there's something different that happens sometimes, that can really be challenging or just throw things off kilter.
Speaker 1:Well, you brought this up. I didn't know we were going to get into that. But since you said that, that's again understanding. You've got to learn to be flexible and adaptable in a marriage?
Speaker 3:Yes, you have to. I know I don't know. I mean you know.
Speaker 1:It's not simple, but most couples don't realize. You know, I think we, when we talk to couples and we see an issue and we really try to stress to them, saying you know, getting married is not going to make this better. Let's work on this now, whatever the situation may be, so you're better prepared when you get married. Because when you get married it ramps up, it doesn't get easier, right, you say it all the time Marriage is the best hard work.
Speaker 3:Right, you'll ever do. You'll ever do, absolutely.
Speaker 1:But you've got to learn flexibility, and that can come with. You know we'll just jump right into this. You can discuss how the roles within the marriage may shift, like what we've went through over the last two or three years. I mean, here you are now on this side, you've stepped away, you've retired, you're learning a whole new pattern of your day and what that looks like, and you may have my lunch fixed for me or something when I get ready to go.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's a wonderful change for me. I love that, but it's also, just like you said the other day, for me personally as your husband. I love that. You said you know what? I'm just going to recognize that I need to learn to rest today, and that's a big change for you. Oh, it's a huge change for 10 years I have been a go, go, go.
Speaker 3:You know a million different things every day. You know, just is just as valuable to me as going outside or working in the yard or anything else or having a deadline exercise or whatever I'm wanting to do. That rest is a wonderful gift I give myself yes, so that's I mean.
Speaker 1:So there, I think let me ask you so. Do you think it's where the big hang up comes with most people? I think there is a fear and that's I know that's a big word there's a fear associated. When you say that word change in most people's minds.
Speaker 3:I agree. I think that people, when they think of the word change, they associate that with having to give up something.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I've got this little thought here. So fear when we're talking about, in chains, uncertainty and the unknown associated with major life transactions, and then obviously that can create, you know, maybe that's from a past experience, whatever the case may be, but it can come from the fear which you just touched on of losing yourself, which you just touched on, of losing yourself.
Speaker 1:you know, whether you're in your twenties or you know we, we've seen this a lot lately. I don't know Trends, probably not the right word, but we have several couples that are in their late thirties, that we, that we counsel with, you know, going into their forties, that are just getting married for the first time.
Speaker 3:Yes, true. So, we probably met more couples in that age range in the last year than we ever have. Yeah, people that are getting married a little later on in life.
Speaker 1:And we tell them the biggest challenge they're going to have is because they've been so used to doing something on their one, on their own and their own way.
Speaker 3:Sure.
Speaker 1:For a long time, that it can be a little bumpy in the beginning, because this is just the way I've always done it and I've just only had to depend upon myself.
Speaker 3:Right, they've lived in their singleness. What is that they're? Walking into their marriedness. What is that? That they're walking into their marriedness? But you know, you? I mean, we meet couples that have been married for years where I will think to myself as they're talking you know one of them's talking like oh, they're still living in their singleness.
Speaker 1:You know what does that mean and look like when you. Obviously I sit beside you when that happens, but what does that mean? What are you picking up on when you say that word? You sense that from somebody.
Speaker 3:Usually it's someone who's not flexible. They're inflexible, someone who has a very strong opinion about how they want their life to be led and even though they're married, they don't really seem to include their spouse. They're speaking from a perspective of what they want to do personally, what it makes me think of like singleness, meaning they're still living as a single person. You know, like someone, someone who gets married and feels like the person they marry will just sign on to say yes to what they already see the direction of their life going.
Speaker 3:And now they just have this person coming alongside of them that they love. Who's just going to keep riding in the boat in the same direction, doing the same thing that they want to do to enhance their purpose? To enhance what they want to do in their life.
Speaker 1:So would you say that I think I know the answer to this, but what I think and you may disagree, and if you do, then great, let's talk about that but do you think they realize that? Or do you think it's just they think that's the way it should be, that their spouse should just come on board with every one of their opinions? I know I struggled with that, a little bit of thinking. You wanted to do everything that I wanted to do, and that may be a little different, that may be a little calmer as far as the dynamics of that, but what do you think?
Speaker 3:think about that um, I think it can go either way. I think it can be.
Speaker 1:Uh, that's so you understand my question. Do you think they're aware of that or do you think it's just like? Well, of course they want to do everything I want to do, or see everything the way I want to see it.
Speaker 3:Like I said, I think it can go either way. I think they can be aware of it and just think that that is the way that it's going, the way that it should be. I mean, they don't think they're necessarily. I think what you're trying to ask me is do they realize that it's really not a good idea to have a single, have a single mindset to live in that singleness.
Speaker 3:Um, and I think over the years the couples that we've sat with, there have been some couples that maybe the you know one of them has that type of a mindset, but I don't think they realize that by picturing marriage like that, that they're cutting out their spouse's ideas. Creativity, voice, everything, because we're really big on that.
Speaker 1:Maybe this is the first time you've listened to us. The power of communication, the power of, that's another thing I don't hear about learning how to be vulnerable. If you've listened to us one time or a hundred, you know vulnerability is a big part of what we talk about. Robin stresses all the time the only way to have a great marriage is to ask great questions. So if, if, if it, if it's never a, like you said, a partnership where you communicate and your voice is heard. I mean, unfortunately we've seen and had couples that we've talked to that over time it becomes this place where one spouse just gives up, sure, because their opinion or their thoughts on something are never heard or validated or appreciated.
Speaker 3:Right, like you see, couples where someone has a very strong, like I said, strong opinion, strong personality, and that they really genuinely feel like they've. They've just figured out things and they, they just they know the answers. They've just figured out things and they know the answers, and they can be very driven. We've seen couples that there's like a drivenness to succeed or to do things a certain way, because that's what yields the best results.
Speaker 3:So they just feel like their spouse should trust them, that they, that they have great ideas and that and that just like a total trust. And I have trust in you, but you always include me.
Speaker 1:So kind of what I hear you saying is why don't you see the way I'm doing? It's the best way. Yeah. And so so we want to be clear, so don't want, I mean this is like a common thing usually and honestly I mean, let's just get to the bare bones of it.
Speaker 3:Really, when you are in a heated like, like beyond, just like a simple argument, I mean when you're in a fight or you have this constant thing that just loops around, loops around, loops, loops around. Maybe you ask yourself am I so rigid that we keep going around this mountain? This is the same argument we have over and over and over, because I am just determined that I think it should be done my way, and maybe my spouse is determined they think it should be done their way, and we just never meet in the middle.
Speaker 1:Well, let me ask you there, Robin. I'm trying to be another voice. Shame y'all couldn't see the incredible acting ability that came along with that vocal. My face was wonderful. So let me ask you there what if the change I'm trying to let's talk about, let's get back to the focus on change. What if my change that I'm trying to get my spouse to do is good for them? That's a really hard one, because that's the thing I think is the default that most individuals go back to. Right.
Speaker 3:It's why don't what I'm suggesting is good for them so, and I know it's good for them, or good for them as a couple.
Speaker 1:Yes, so and I know this is a very slippery slope- yes, you know when it comes to this, because there is, there can be truth in that.
Speaker 3:Sure.
Speaker 1:You know it's like, for example, we've seen this multiple times, you know, when we've spoken to different couples or somebody we hanging out with not even not in a session just talk back and we say, well, you know we don't do a lot of sugar. Or you know, we try to be aware of what we eat, and I mean, and we're pretty healthy. We could be even more healthier. Yes, we definitely. I think we could be healthier, but we're not bad. Yeah, right, we don't do sodas and things like that. So you know, when you bring that up, you know you're at the table. Then the waiter comes and goes I would like a Coke. You know, you kind of see it in their face.
Speaker 1:Like are they judging me? Because I ordered a Coke and they're just drinking water and you're. You're not trying to force your opinions on somebody You're just talking about. So that can happen sometimes in our marriage. Yes. If you will do this Right, you're going to reap the benefits. And so there's truth. Yeah, and it's not that we don't want that for our spouse, but how do we navigate, because that's the thing we hear the most. How do we navigate that?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it's hard. I mean it is because if you are someone who's like staying on the topic of someone who's very healthy, you know and you believe in I don't know whatever it could be like eating certain foods or exercising certain times and all that stuff, and then your spouse is not really into that, I mean, honestly, the best advice if I can just say advice I would give is if it's a passion of yours, right, and if it's something that is a priority for you, then you do it. But you can't drag your spouse along or shame your spouse or force your spouse to live in that world with you until they feel like they might see value in that for themselves you know and health is like.
Speaker 3:That's a very specific thing that you know. You could back it up with data and results and all that versus like let's say a change of. I'm trying to think like give me an example of a different kind of change that a couple would go through.
Speaker 1:Oh wow, I didn't know you were going to put me on the spot like that. Um, I don't. I mean okay, like values, for example. We touched on this like if we're trying to, if you're a couple trying to buy a house and you, one of you, just is a spender.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:Somewhere you've got to be able to say so. Here's the other side of that coin we're talking about. You know, you can't force. You've got to be able to say you're supposed to say, if we're going to buy a house, this is what it's going to take to do that, and this is what we're going to have to cut out, and we're going to make this decision together, right, you know, and you've got to be on that same page.
Speaker 3:you hit the nail on the head right there. If both of you are wishing you could own a home, okay, you know, I'm saying I think that that might be a change where both could agree. Here's what. Here's what we could do to make that happen. Right, you know, um you don't want to shame that's what I heard. I to make that happen, right, you know you don't want to shame.
Speaker 1:That's what I heard.
Speaker 4:Sure, sure. I'm not trying to say on health or whatever.
Speaker 1:It's not like if you're listening to this, or I'm not going to look at Robin when I say this if my daughter was listening to this, she'd say you know, I can't tell you how many times I've told you to stretch, you know. So it's good for me. I know I should stretch, I just I don't, I don't do it and I don't know. And I'm sitting here hearing myself say this out loud and I know I would be better off for it and I and I can't tell you why I don't.
Speaker 3:but, but, I don't, but, I don't. But you don't shame me. You bring it up. Sure, I bring it up as a suggestion. And you watch me, I stretch, every day, I stretch.
Speaker 1:You're behind the couch.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm stretching, I'm doing things. I'm going to put you one of those ballerina bars in.
Speaker 1:I'm going to install one of those or whatever, so you can do that.
Speaker 3:Well with my health. You know I had I had a health, some health things going on last year and one of my lingering I don't know what you would call it, but something that I've had to change about my how I treat my body. That really helps me now, due to some things that happened last year, is yeah, I mean, it's not an option for me anymore, like I just I want to stretch things that happened last year is.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I, I mean it's not an option for me anymore, like I just I want to stretch. It is like either I'm going to stretch or I just don't feel good in my body. I'm not I'm so.
Speaker 1:There's a great example so you know some things, sometimes our circumstances can make us where that we have to have to change yes, yes but so let's stay on the value. I don't want to go back over that, but. But the deal is understanding that that when your values align, when you're when the when what you're both trying to accomplish as a couple, there's there's individual change. Obviously, you know, because we still have to work on ourself first yeah, to have.
Speaker 1:To have a great marriage, you've got to work on yourself. To have a great healthy family, you've got to work on yourself and you've got to want to change it Right. So, like to the house situation again. You know that's something that I don't know if you could be more stern with, but you could say, hey, if we're serious about this, you know we've got to, we've got to be on the same page.
Speaker 3:Right, I don't know, we've got to make this change. Yeah, stern might not be the best word in my opinion, but I think that you have but. And again, that's only, though, if both parties, if the husband, if you know, if you and your spouse feel like you both want to own a home.
Speaker 3:But then one of you is like we should buy a house and the other one's like I'm not ready to buy yet, I just I think we should rent another year. Okay, so we and we've seen that and those are, those are challenges, and that really doesn't to me. That doesn't have anything to do with a single mindset. When I was single to married as much as it's like, no, no.
Speaker 1:No, well, you can say why this word we live in right now.
Speaker 3:I mean where it is hard for younger couples to purchase a home. Or you know, you went to school and you picked a career, and then now do I still want to stay in that career, or maybe this isn't what I thought it was going to be, and yeah, or we have to maybe possibly move to a different state for me to get this job, and I mean, gosh, there's just so many, you know, changes but not talking about it, not discussing it is not going to help anything. Exactly.
Speaker 1:So you know, we've kind of looked at two scenarios here a little bit. We've looked at when change. You know we'll stay on the house. Let's say you're both on board. Okay. With that, with buying the house. So from that point, you know you, you've got to communicate and talk about things and be one, you know, the one's got to be said hey, I recognize that I should have talked to you about that before I spent that, you know.
Speaker 1:So those, those are the type of conversations where you go on this journey together yes and then to the other um, you know again, I'm not trying to be gloom and doom here, but you know, sometimes it only happens, like for you, for example with the health thing that you went through. You know you've made a conscious effort to be in better health, to stretch because of that. You didn't ask for that, you know.
Speaker 3:Right, no change happened. You didn't ask for that, Right, no change happened. And the only way for me to adapt to the changes that happened in my body is I had to pivot and adapt, you know to be adaptive to a new lifestyle, to something that's going to work, because where I was before and where I am now are different.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you again we're not trying to sound like we're, you know, a info commercial for a health nut or something like that.
Speaker 1:We're going to sell you some type of herbal medicine or something here in a minute. Get ready If you buy it today for 29, 95. No, what I'm saying is, I think it it comes down to how you present that. And then when you because we have talked to couples that you go, you know when you're trying to get healthy and then a circumstance has to, and then they have to get healthy, you know, all of a sudden there's massive change in that. So I think it is circumstances. You never want to shame your spouse into doing something, uh. And then there are situations where you've just got to what's the word? I don't want to sound like be okay with it, but know that that may be something that's a passion of yours, is not a passion of theirs. You understand what I'm saying. I think that's where the push comes sometimes, because like, well, he or she or whatever doesn't want to work out and I do. Well, then it's okay, go do that.
Speaker 3:Right, right, yeah, I just think that's where.
Speaker 1:You can't allow, even though.
Speaker 3:I've said, like singleness, meaning having that mindset of like how I lived as a single person. Some might say, well, isn't that kind of the same thing? I don't think so. I think that, if it's again, it's your, it's your, your values, it's your non-negotiables of like things, you how you want, what you value spending your time doing.
Speaker 1:So what I'm saying, so what I hear you say, it is so if my husband or my wife never works out, then I guess I'm going to leave them. I mean, no, no, no, that's not what it is Right, but I mean that would be the extreme of something.
Speaker 3:Oh sure, Somebody where it's just like oh my gosh, if you aren't, you know, but but then to me those values, if that's a value you have and you're listening and you're not married yet, then that's definitely something you want to bring to the table.
Speaker 3:And talk about To someone that you're dating. You know like, hey, this is really important to me and so I really enjoy this and look for someone that has a similar mindset, has a similar mindset. Now, if you're already married and you know, years in you start seeing the value of lifestyle changes for better health or whatever. Um, yeah, I mean it, it's something, yeah, yeah, all I can say to it. I can't necessarily say how to make your spouse get on board with you, because that's not the point, but it's more of um, can you enjoy doing this, but not shaming your spouse because you've made a change in a certain area and and they don't see the value in that yet.
Speaker 3:I mean, there's just you know and you can look at like I know we've been on this health thing here for the last several minutes but Rob and I were talking before the podcast today. How funny it is that you know Rob was on the road as a musician when we got married. He had that had been his previous life, was traveling a lot, and then we went into full-time ministry and being on the road and due to other circumstances, I mean Rob just wasn't like growing up he wasn't the you know he didn't mow. He didn't mow the yard that much.
Speaker 1:Right, Well, I did, but I hated it because it was never. I don't want to chase a rabbit. I know I don't want to chase a rabbit, but there was a reason, because it's just like I never did it good enough for my dad, and just just it caused. Sure it could cause arguments and stuff. Exactly.
Speaker 3:So, you know, Rob, didn't he? You know he traveled on the road or lived in an apartment. I mean, it wasn't like he had a lawn to take care of. So when we first got married, we rented a house. You know, it was just like kind of like an overwhelming thought to him to have to mow, and you know, and it's in florida so it's, like you know, harder than hayteens.
Speaker 3:Yeah, hell's back porch is where he's gonna be hanging out and go out there and you know, mow and hopefully not melt into the ground. So I I mean I get that. Um, but we were laughing about this today because you know 26 year old rob was before you say that.
Speaker 1:Your expectation of that was I was going to be out there oh, sure because my dad mowed all the time.
Speaker 3:My dad my dad would mow at least twice a week, because in florida, I mean, if you don't mow two times a week, your house will be eaten up by, yeah, by, the yard, you know.
Speaker 3:So, um, but fast forward, but fast forward, you know. I told him. I said isn't it funny that now here know, we've been on this new property that we're at right now about eight months We've been living here. It's hard to believe that much time's gone by. But now we own 16 acres and Rob can't wait to get home from work to jump on the tractor and mow like for sometimes for two or three hours at a time and he just loves it.
Speaker 3:So talking about change isn't? You know? We were just, I was like you know. That's a huge change in your mindset from being, you know, the guy who doesn't really want to mow to. I can't hardly get you off the tractor you know, some evenings because you're really you just enjoy it so much and I love that, and so that's where change.
Speaker 1:That's an individual change. Sure, and that is what it's like. You know, like sleeping, you know I mean you. You told me the other day, for example you said you know I really, you know, I really admire whatever words you use. Said you know you really place a high value on rest.
Speaker 3:On sleep, on sleep.
Speaker 1:You know, because I try to get at least eight hours a night. You're six and a half to seven sometimes.
Speaker 3:I've been getting better, a lot better actually, since I've been home.
Speaker 1:It's been kind of wild that I've been able to you know, extend my sleep, but that doesn't stop me from loving you or shaming you. You know I encourage you to get more rest because I think it's good for your body, and you know that's just my opinion on that. But you know that's something you've got to get to on your your own with that. So so what we're saying is, let's, let's land this plane here. So I don't know if we, I don't know if we've really answered any questions, but to a point it's recognizing. Yes, there are some things that are non-negotiables. We get that when you're dating or whatever, and even when you're married, there are circumstances sometimes out of your control. How do you deal with those things?
Speaker 3:And those things again we talked about, like going from dating to getting married, for those of you who get married and then jump into parenthood, but I'm also thinking about career changes. I'm also thinking about, honestly, even as we age. You know too, we didn't even touch on that, but you know, as you age, things are changing.
Speaker 1:So health changes. I mean again, not health as far as what we eat, but just when, unseen circumstances, unfortunately. I mean we all know something about in our life that you know, a spouse, or a situation where somebody's gotten sick, they may get cancer. I mean all the some of those things that are out of your control you know, bring change in your life. So the whole point, I think, of what we're trying to say is change is again inevitable. Yes, change is again inevitable.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:So, if we can learn how to embrace change, keep talking about change, not shame our partner when it's an individual belief, which is what I heard you say.
Speaker 3:Right, and I think we're not talking about morals. No, no, we're just talking about the ways that we find valuable as far as spending our days, our time, yeah together and individually.
Speaker 1:Sure, because we believe in that, yes, the two of us are one, but we don't agree on everything. I mean, you and I agree on lots of stuff, but there are some things that we just see different. Sure, and that's okay. But running away from change I think that's what we're trying to stress today is running away from change is impossible because it's always happening in our lives.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it is. It's always going to be a constant, and how we learn how to navigate that change is super important, and when we have discussions about changes, whether they are minor or major changes, I, you know, I think that I would love to, at least you know, leave today's podcast with, just you know, a few words that I think are super important remaining vulnerable, having good communication as a spouse. Also being a good listener and if you haven't listened to our podcast on being good listener and being good speaker, those are really good episodes but being a good listener, syncing up, even if what your spouse values may not be something that you're very interested in, or if, and that has more to do like hobbies, things like that, because I think we're kind of hitting on those hobbies is the only word I can think of.
Speaker 3:Values are different from morals. You know when to have kids, when to purchase a home, new career, moving Gosh. The list could go on and on. Like I said, being vulnerable, trying your best to sync up, ask good questions, be a good listener and when it's your turn to speak, speak with kindness. And when it's your turn to speak. Speak with kindness, look at each other's eyes Face each other, you know, yeah, just sync up, sync up as best as you can and invite the Holy Spirit into the middle of all of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean yeah, we didn't even begin to touch on that. I mean that's again. I don't want to put up another can of worms here.
Speaker 2:It's a good can of worms.
Speaker 1:But, as a believer, absolutely inviting God into our marriage is the key point that ability to ask Him and pray together and say, god, we need to seek your wisdom on this situation or what we want to do. I mean, go back to the house situation. What was your prayer like about? That what was your prayer. Like God, if it is at the time for us to buy a house, and if it is, give us both peace.
Speaker 1:That's something we've done our entire marriage, whether it's buy a house and if it is, give us both peace. That's something we've done our entire marriage. Whether it's buying a house, whether it's giving an offering or whatever helping somebody, we discuss that and we say, well, hey, I need to pray about that. And then let's get back together and talk about that so that we know the direction that we want to go together and then, if we both have peace about it, we move forward. And then there are times we both have said this to each other go. You know, I don't really know, but I have prayed. I know you've prayed and I'll follow your lead.
Speaker 3:Sure. We've done that as well too, oh yeah we have, Absolutely we have, you know and just um and I know this is the right at the end of the podcast here, trusting your partner trusting, yeah, trust, trusting your spouse um is huge yeah because, back to the initial thing as we close out today, back to the we're in this thing together yes, yes.
Speaker 1:We're a couple. Yes, we're individual. You're still Robin, I'm still Rob, but we're in this thing together. So we are trying to learn how. Again, we've made the statement We'd always don't have to think alike, but we have to learn how to think together.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:So don't run away from change.
Speaker 3:Right, right.
Speaker 1:It's going to find you. It's right outside the door somewhere. You know, it's going to find you. There's no way to get away from it.
Speaker 3:Exactly.
Speaker 1:So don't allow fear, you know, of change or whatever. Even if it's a change you're really trying to work on yourself, don't let it create anxiety in a place where you get stuck.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:I think that's when we see.
Speaker 3:It's learning how to exchange anxiety for anticipation. That's good, to become excited by the possibilities of what lie ahead that may not be so familiar, versus being afraid of what's ahead because you don't know what to expect.
Speaker 1:And then this one. It just hit me and we'll kind of close with this what? What are you afraid of If your spouse is pointing out something that maybe you know you need to change? And you really keep pushing back on it. That's where you got to ask yourself Maybe again, because we're in this together, maybe they're seeing something about me that I'm not even aware is there? Wow, that's good.
Speaker 1:That's what love is. Yes, so change is not a bad word, right. And if they're seeing something, that's where the communication, that's where the vulnerability allows those open conversations to happen, even if it's stretching. I don't want to, but anyway, right.
Speaker 3:That's good babe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Well good.
Speaker 3:All right guys? Well, thanks for listening.
Speaker 1:I know this is a podcast, but I love you. I love you All right Till next time. See you guys. Bye.
Speaker 3:Bye.
Speaker 2:You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your hosts, Rob and Robin Adkins. Stay up to date by following them on Instagram at marriageandus underscore podcast and on Twitter at marriageandus. Also hit the follow button so you never miss an episode from your favorite couple.