Marriage and Us
Are you recently engaged, newlyweds, or married for years and looking to learn even more about the art of marriage? Hosts Rob and Robin Atkins discuss what they've learned with honesty, humor, and gospel mindedness. In 34 years of marriage and 10 years as pre and post marriage coaches they practice what they teach. A podcast designed for couples with old tools or no tools wanting to maximize their life together with simple principles that can transform your marriage.
Marriage and Us
S3E05 Active Listening: The Bridge to Connection
Rob and Robin discuss how effective listening skills create the foundation for deeper connection in marriage, sharing insights from their recent four-week marriage workshop with 30 couples.
• Learning to speak your spouse's "foreign language" by understanding their communication style
• Creating a "bridge" that connects two individuals while maintaining healthy individuality
• How nonverbal cues like eye contact, body language, and physical touch communicate more than words
• Why hugging your spouse with no agenda builds emotional intimacy and security
• The importance of being present and engaged when listening rather than planning your response
• How asking questions instead of offering solutions shows respect for your spouse's perspective
• Learning to slow down in disagreements actually helps resolve conflicts more quickly
• Working on yourself first as the foundation for a healthy marriage
Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin. Thanks for listening to Marriage and. Us. Each week, we will talk about real-life topics that couples experience in everyday married life. So let's get to today's episode. Hello everybody.
Speaker 3:Hi out there.
Speaker 1:Hi, I know it's hard to believe, but we are back.
Speaker 3:Yes, it's been a while.
Speaker 1:I know.
Speaker 3:We're going to just.
Speaker 1:Own it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, let's just own it.
Speaker 1:We have not been in witness protection plan or abducted by aliens or any of those.
Speaker 3:Stranded on an island somewhere?
Speaker 1:Yes, Exactly Just life has happened.
Speaker 3:Boy. Is that not the truth?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just been a lot going on, but thanks for tuning in today and listening to us.
Speaker 3:Come back.
Speaker 1:Yes, don't leave us. If this is your first time, well, you're just going to have to just jump right in where we're at, that's it. And so here we go. Lots of things going on in our lives.
Speaker 3:Yes, since the new year. It has been a busy few months it has been. Well, I say few, here we are, I mean we're in.
Speaker 1:May, exactly, wow yeah. I mean we're in May, exactly, wow yeah. Living life on the farm.
Speaker 3:That's it.
Speaker 1:I don't know, we can't have for some of you that have listened to us in a while. We used to call this the podcast corner, so I don't know if we can call it that anymore. Maybe podcast on the farm, or I don't know.
Speaker 3:We'll think about it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's think about it. On an exciting note for us, as we're recording, we have just finished up our first ever four-week. We did a four-week classes, workshops. Workshops our church asked us to do on marriage had about 30 couples and it was a very exciting um, challenging, um, even though we I've I've spoken a lot over the years. Uh, but a little scary maybe even.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was good To put herself out there Plan something every week, right, and to talk to so many couples at one time was really great. Yeah, I think it was really good for us and they seemed to enjoy it. At least that's what they told us. So hopefully they were telling us the truth.
Speaker 1:But we just kind of talked about and the four week classes, everything we've kind of talked about for the last two or three years on the podcast obviously what we've done the last 15 years is coaches and as counselors, and kind of summarize that in a in a class setting. It was interesting because obviously for you and I were very relational, so not having that. I think the biggest challenge for us in those moments was not having the always the interaction of the spontaneous moment of communication back and forth because people are listening.
Speaker 3:Right, right. And if they ask a question you really can't dial into that one couple and really kind of start, you know, the conversation back and forth to kind of dig in a little deeper for things that are going on in their lives or questions that they asked us.
Speaker 1:So uh and then sharing uh publicly you know it can be um, if you don't know if it's a safe place or not, and you're trying to fill that out and see how that would feel.
Speaker 3:Yeah, those that ask questions. That was vulnerable. They were brave and I appreciate that.
Speaker 1:Yeah because you're in a class with your spouse and if you ask a question there's no way to not go.
Speaker 1:I think they may be talking about their husband or their wife in this question and I'm wanting a little direction on it, but it was very uh, it was very honoring to be asked to do it and it was great for us, I mean, cause that is part of our I'd say our bigger dreams, for what we want to do as a, as a couple, with marriage and with and uh, individuals. So I think that was yeah it was great.
Speaker 3:It was was great, it was really great. So, out of those classes, um, I know we talked about, like you said, many topics we've covered over the past few years the you know that about the autopilot concept, um, talking about the foreign language, you know, which is what we call um learning how to speak your spouse's language more than your own when it comes to conversations and especially in dealing with conflict. So we kind of kiddingly, say it's the foreign language. I speak Rob, you speak Robin, so we covered that.
Speaker 1:We touched on that in the last episode, which seems like months ago, because it was it kind of was, we did touch on that Productive conflict, which is a big thing. That we it was, but we did touch on that productive conflict, which is a big thing that we talk about Again.
Speaker 1:learning learning how to, like you said, you take the foreign language, learning how to speak your spouse's language and then taking a disagreement which is a word that came up a lot disagreement, an argument and learning how to make that productive so that you can learn something about your spouse that you didn't know before.
Speaker 3:Right, right, and I think what we left on on our last episode that we recorded, we talked a lot about we had to go back and listen to ourselves, so we knew what we said but we talked about. You know, when it comes to conflict, Effective communication. Yeah, and effective communication. We talked a lot about listening.
Speaker 1:And how to speak, and how to speak.
Speaker 3:yeah, but more from the speaking aspect than listening. I think we might have talked about listening a little bit, and that's why we're going to talk about listening today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's again. I think that the key to this we all want to be heard, but it's interesting in saying that to really be heard, you've also got to be able to listen, to know how to respond properly. That was the thought that was hitting me this morning before we went on, you know to be, we talked about being an effective speaker, but to be an effective, great leaders know how to listen well.
Speaker 3:True.
Speaker 1:And, as you, I think to be a great spouse. As you learn to listen well, it helps you have a better roadmap of knowing how to navigate than what to say.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:Versus you've said this many times rather than just responding or reacting, you know, again, a reaction to a moment, if you can pause, which we're big believers in it's. One of the greatest things you can give yourself in marriage is learning how to pause and have that ability then to receive, ask questions. Because, again, if you're just rambling off and just talking, you're really not communicating right.
Speaker 3:You're just talking a lot sure, and and I think you know, we covered a little bit of that last time and that is so important because when you're, when you're speaking and sharing from your perspective, the greatest gift you can give your spouse as the listener is to not overwhelm them with too much information. We always refer to that as flooding. Sure we always refer to that as flooding Sure. Where you're, just you're, and a lot of times this happens because you have probably waited a little too long to bring up something.
Speaker 3:A topic or something that's been something that your spouse has been doing that's bothering you or something you're in disagreement with, and when you wait too long, it just builds up, builds up, builds up, and then it's just kind of like a like the dam breaks and you are just flooding, flooding.
Speaker 3:Your spouse with you know all this information and you're just kind of, you know, I mean you're, you're just letting it all out at one time, and it's hard sometimes for your spouse to uh, you know, be able to take all that in versus Well, you're literally drowning in words I mean when you, I mean as soon as you said that I knew where you were headed.
Speaker 1:But that visual of that, when you think about all these cheesy movies that you see where the dam breaks and you know it's those aren't real trees or whatever and it's just flooding down this valley and everything gets wiped out. There's no time to react or think because you're just flooded by these words and you're just trying to catch up.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:Which goes back to what we talked about in the last episode. Again knowing how to speak, knowing how to pause. Give time for your spouse to digest those things.
Speaker 3:Right, and that you're not trying to solve every problem in one moment. You're staying on topic with something, and I think what happens is that, especially if it's something that's reoccurring, which we hear a lot.
Speaker 1:Yes, we heard that in the classes a lot, yeah.
Speaker 3:You know when, when it's cyclical, you know, is a good word for that, in other words, reoccurring, repeating. You know circular, you know it's cyclical, it keeps coming around and around. Sometimes it's seasonal, it's a conversation that's never been resolved, and in certain seasons it becomes a hot-button topic. I'd never thought about this until today. There are some hot-but button topics that are seasonal. Maybe an example holidays.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:You know, and that is a true season.
Speaker 3:Yes, you know right, deck the halls with balsam, sorry, so you got holidays or anniversaries or just times of year that are challenging and difficult, you know, for you. So that kind of recaps the speaking piece. But yeah, let's dive into the listening aspect to be a good listener. So just in closing of what we were just talking about, I'm just saying that as a speaker, the greatest gift you can give your spouse as the listener is enough information, but not too much information. Can you explain that further, versus you trying to in one breath speak for 10 minutes about every detail of something that has gotten under your skin, wouldn't you say yes, would you say.
Speaker 1:also, you know, as we read books and listen to other podcasts and different things, that you and I do and trying to always, I mean for both of us what I love about our journey, you and I, is we have really worked hard, which is something we stress to all of our couples of understanding that you have to work on yourself first. Help me say the phrase right that we just came up with at the class so a healthy family.
Speaker 3:A healthy family starts with a healthy couple or marriage. And a healthy marriage starts with a healthy you. Yeah Right, if you aren't healthy, if you're not working on yourself.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:So some of you may be saying what do you mean by that? I'm saying if you have issues that you deal with based on experiences you've had throughout your life right, that may be that negatively not maybe, but did negatively impact you and create mindsets and expectations, then you can get into struggles with your spouse that really have nothing to do with your spouse because they're really about something that you haven't worked through for yourself, based on these experiences that negatively impacted you, but you take them out on your spouse.
Speaker 1:That is so good. Oh, my goodness, I could just camp out with a fire right there and pitch a tent in that. That's where I know what we're going to talk about today, but I want to dwell on that just for a second. That's really where I have been lately of an understanding the importance of you know, working on myself and we say this all the time and men, women are too. I'm gonna quit pretending that it's just men that try to fix everything. I think you would agree women do it as well, just in a different way.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:I feel very validated.
Speaker 3:You're right.
Speaker 1:Right there. But understanding that and you and I have talked about this this is way back. I think season two we talked about understanding that we're two individuals coming together. You say this all the time. It's one of my favorite things that you say Two individuals coming together. Yes, we're a couple, now we're one, but still celebrating who we are as individuals, and that made me think. We just heard this recently. I've got a bunch of thoughts on this. Some of this you've never heard before. What I've got written down, Okay good.
Speaker 1:But I began to think about. We heard the analogy about a bridge, and that a bridge is this wonderful thing. Let me just read this to you. Can I read this to you real quick? So a bridge symbolizes the connection between partners, facilitating communication and understanding. While it isn't a place to reside, it serves as a pathway that allows spouses to navigate their differences and share their needs.
Speaker 3:Really good.
Speaker 1:And that really hit me when I heard somebody say that. So I kind of expounded on that a little bit of understanding that we're two individuals creating this wonderful world together called marriage. But we have to have a pathway. We have to have a bridge between who we are individually and who we are as a couple. And you know, when you think about that a bridge you know we, when you symbolize that with, when you visualize that in your mind it relies on trust. A bridge in marriage is, it creates effective communication because it's a pathway. Well, I'm not going to live on the bridge.
Speaker 1:Right right, or I'm not going to live in a van down by the river or whatever the case may be. But with that, when you visualize that a bridge requires maintenance but a bridge in marriage creates, this enables both partners to journey together through life with challenges and joy. So when you think about that, it helps me get to who we are as individuals, but as a couple. But I have to learn, like what we just said, be a great speaker. But then my next step is how well do I listen?
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's really really good. Yeah, and I like that thought of the fact that you can't camp out on the bridge. You can meet in the middle, right, but really, what I pictured is if there are two places and the bridge connects them, it's really about one spouse coming over the bridge into their other spouse's world and vice versa, so that they're traveling back and forth, giving and receiving, which very much mirrors speaking and listening.
Speaker 1:Right yeah.
Speaker 3:And then the more that you listen, those two worlds start moving closer together, almost like the bridge in some ways. Maybe it gets smaller as it goes, because now you have learned so much about each other's world that there's so much balance. You know it's. It's like it's moving those things closer. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can see that, but but my, I think for me, when I think, when I think about that, is understanding that I still this, and you and I've talked about this many times. I, when we first got married, I so wanted just to do everything with you. I almost wanted you to be me, which is sounds silly in a way, because I don't want to marry me. That would be boring. I wanted to marry you, so, understanding that that only happens when I learn not only how to speak well but how to listen well. I need that and I don't want to use the word gap, that's a bad analogy, but I need that connector. Let's use it that way. The bridge is a connector for me to help understand who you are, because, again what we just said, I've got to learn how to work on me, because, even though we're one I don't want you to have it in your head as we're talking about this there's a bridge that separates us. The bridge is a way to connect us.
Speaker 3:Okay, I can see that. Get to the other side.
Speaker 1:Yes, and so the bridge builds these foundations, or these pillars pillars of communication, foundations of trust, all those things that we need because, again, I still want to be me and I still want you to be you. That's what makes our marriage great, in that I can see that and it creates these. The bridge gives us this opportunity to have these shared experiences yes, Back and forth that we give to each other.
Speaker 3:Yes, and I would say over a lifetime. I mean there's constantly going to be levels of learning. I mean we have found that over and over again, even moving here onto this property, you know everything's new and so we are recreating home again. You know we have much more space Now. We live on several acres versus a small yard in the city. You know, and so just how we do day-to-day things, how we manage our home and the dreams and desires that we see. You know, it's just if there's always this level of learning.
Speaker 1:Well, it's like, it's like the the. We own 16 acres now and it's like I can't do it with a push mower. I mean I could, but you'd never see me again. I would have to pitch a tent and just wake up, he's out there somewhere I hear the mower. Where is he? But it's even like now. We've had a different season. It's been raining a lot and it's been very difficult for me to keep up with mowing and the yard.
Speaker 3:Sure, it just keeps growing, but the ground is soaking wet and it's raining. You can't get out there. So you know, right now, parts of our property are, you know, truly meadows, right now they're. You know, they're about two feet tall. They're beautiful, but they're just wild. Yeah, exactly, you know, it's just wild.
Speaker 1:So listening? Share with me some of your thoughts on that. You've got with that when it comes to listening.
Speaker 3:Listening. So I thought let's talk about the practical, some of the practical points when it comes to listening and this has more to do with our nonverbal way that we are communicating as a listener, as we are listening to our spouse- sharing with us.
Speaker 1:So I'm talking, for example, to you and I'm watching you as I'm sharing. So these are the cues.
Speaker 3:Yes, Very simple things actually.
Speaker 1:Good good and.
Speaker 3:Sure.
Speaker 1:And not good.
Speaker 3:They're good and they're important, but they can be challenging.
Speaker 1:Right, when I say good and not good, there's like I know you can talk about like.
Speaker 3:Oh, you mean like yes?
Speaker 1:The nonverbal, like if you're talking and I'm making eye contact with you or I'm nodding my head, you know?
Speaker 3:Sure, those are the things I thought. Let's talk about it. If you're not even looking at your spouse as they're sharing, that's not good, Right, Right? So yes, simple things like eye contact, which you know, even the science behind the way that we look into each other's eyes. There's just a lot there, but it really signals to our brain. That's just in the most in the simplest terms, that I belong. You know that I am connected. Eye contact is so important because it is the way that our brains see. You know we're seeing each other, and what it's sending as far signals to our brain is I hear you, yeah, you know, and I see you, and I see you literally, I see you.
Speaker 1:Well, you know I would. I didn't know you were going to talk about right away. One of the favorite things that I enjoyed about the class was at the beginning of each class, and this just happened to happen the first night we went. We went. Oh, we've struck. Something here is we had the way we had everything set up. They were set sitting side by side and not by other couples. They were close but there was a big separation. We had to stand up for some of them because they had just walked in from work or whatever the case may be. So it was their first opportunity, maybe, to see their spouse all day. We had to stand up, face each other and look at each other eye to eye and just spend a moment staring at each other or asking how their day was. Some hugged, some kissed.
Speaker 3:It was very it was very uh emotional for me it was, it was intimate to see right to see that many couples and how they uh connect. Yeah, you know, know, it's very, very sweet. I love that's my favorite part.
Speaker 1:The reason I bring that up is because, talking about the nonverbal watching their, we couldn't hear their conversation, but watching their nonverbal interaction was incredible.
Speaker 3:Yes, it was really sweet, yeah, so okay, so we brought up eye contact.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Open body language. So what we mean by that is, you know you're not turned sideways to your partner or facing you know your body totally facing in the opposite direction of where they are we're talking about. You know, turning our bodies towards our spouse as we are sharing and not only is this important in disagreements, this is just great connection, even when you're just laughing and having a good time and just wanting to connect. Yeah, you know, turning our. It seems like such a simple gesture. Sometimes we sit side by side, but there is something also that's kind of special about kind of turning towards each other. You know, with our arms kind of relaxed, not all folded real tight. You know our legs crossed real tight, like you know we're just bundled up, but it's it's like being open, being receptive, it's inviting conversation instead of looking defensive when it's uh, when it's in a disagreement kind of conversation, but also even in just enjoyable conversations.
Speaker 1:That's what I wanted to say too. So these non-verbals and we good or bad, that's the word we use. It may not be the best explanation, but that's the positive, there's the there's the negative side, but the positive side. One of my favorite things we did just a while ago, before we came on the podcast, is we gave each other a hug.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And if you're listening to this, it amazes me. This is not to shame anybody, but it's to encourage you. I mean, when's the last time you just hugged your spouse?
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:Not just saying I love you or hey, have a great day, see you later. But are you having that non-verbal connection? Yes, it's physical, yes, you're touching, I get that, but sometimes we don't even.
Speaker 1:We just hug each other right and there's, there's that I know without a shadow of a doubt, not just us saying it's been continually proven by science and people all all around world that what that does to your marriage, what that does to longevity of your marriage, that that touch, that hug of saying I see you, I love you, I enjoy being with you.
Speaker 3:Yes, physical, physical contact like that, yeah, just what it signals to again, to our brains, to every part of our body, is just so important. And and I'm talking about, I know for some people they may think well, you know, if I hug my spouse, that means I'm, you know, gonna it's gonna lead into some intimacy or sex. Let's just say it straight. We're talking about like just just holding each other, not that it has to lead to that every single time or not. If the only time you do that is because then it is going to lead to something sexual that that would make me feel sad, because I think that, you know, just embracing each other, just to say you're safe with me, I'm safe with you and I, you know, I just want to feel that connection is very precious. What do you think about that?
Speaker 1:Okay. So this is so interesting. You're bringing this up because it really has not hit me to just this second I can. I'm laughing at myself, and if you're a guy out there you may laugh as well too. I can honestly say, probably early on in our marriage that may have been the thought, but I can honestly say now that that it doesn't. I don't. That's not where my heart and my mind go to first. It's more about I just whew, man, that's just kind of just hitting me about, start bawling here. It's more about man, I I just enjoy being with you, and the intimacy part of the sex part is a. It's not a bonus, you know it, it's just it's a by-product of our connection together.
Speaker 3:Right Because, but it doesn't have to be that because you embrace every single time, it means we're going right Cause, cause I don't I that because you embrace every single time, it means we're going in that direction, because I don't?
Speaker 1:yes because I know you know my viewpoint on this. I don't know if I even and let me finish my statement before you wreck the car or whatever I don't even like the word sex to a point, and here's my thought on that. So if Robin's even giving me a look, the word intimacy just is anybody. I'm not trying to chase a rabbit here but anybody you can have sex and it still not be intimate.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so for me that's the difference of what we're talking about, of longevity, of a deeper place of love that comes from understanding, listening, well, speaking, well, these non-verbals that we're talking about, the physical touch, um, it's like well, you know, that's the weird. Now it's like I wash the dishes. If I'm only washing the dishes to get something from you, I'm really not serving you as my wife.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So if I, if I hug you and just let you know I just enjoy being with you, what that says to your heart and what that says to mine, that's way past the small word of sex. Now we're truly having a place in intimacy because I'm letting you know I really, really, not only do I love you, I love being with you.
Speaker 3:That's so good, babe. Thank you for that. That's really really, really good.
Speaker 1:I've got to pull it back together.
Speaker 3:That's so good.
Speaker 1:I know I've got your brain thinking I know.
Speaker 3:I mean, I'm like where do we go from here?
Speaker 1:But it's the nonverbal things it is.
Speaker 3:It's the nonverbal, it's connecting. So again, it's open body language, it's eye contact. It's nodding, like you mentioned for a second. It's like as your spouse is speaking, you're nodding, saying I'm taking this in. You have my full attention.
Speaker 1:I'm here with you Because our and because our non-verbals, when we're, we'll stay on the the not so good part for a second. Think about how many times we've had couples sit on our couch and we you can see from their non-verbal the distress that they're in yes because they're emotionally. Our non-verbals are a way to either connect emotionally or push away emotionally and I think a lot of times we don't understand how much that can be literally pun intended read into those type of things.
Speaker 3:It can be very deflective.
Speaker 1:Yes, you know it can be dismissive. What's the statement that we just read recently In a disagreement or an argument? My goal is not to control you, but to control myself.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:So staying with that concept in our nonverbal. You've got to be aware. It's very important to be aware Of what you're not saying.
Speaker 3:Right right saying right right, because you're saying a lot without using your voice, just based on how you're positioning yourself, like you're saying every everything that we're talking about, even down to our facial expressions, of course, which this seems so obvious. Maybe you're rolling your eyes. It's not going to be very helpful in the moment, no, but if you can smile, if you can lean in, you know to like the, the leaning, and not only facial expressions but your whole body.
Speaker 3:You're going to lean in a little bit because you're, you're paying attention. You want them to know. Hey, I'm validating your feelings, I, I, I, you know, I'm here with you. I'm here with you. Um, like I said in a disagreement, but also gosh, what it does for us when we're just connecting because you know it's we, we can become so used to each other. The more years go by. It is so easy. Here we are sitting at. This year will be 35 years of marriage. It's very easy to slip into what we call that autopilot mode, where we're just, you know, we're just we assume yeah, we're, we're just, we're just going through the motions.
Speaker 3:you know, we're living every day, um, and we're not as intentional as we have been in the past. You know, and and and intentionality is huge and really again, and it can be applied to everything, including speaking and listening. So I know time's moving on here on this episode, but let's just talk for a few seconds here, as we're kind of coming to a close. Why is it so important? To listen, right? So so what do you think? Why is it so important?
Speaker 1:I was ready for your, ready for you. What do you think? What? Why is it so important? I was ready for your ready for you. What do you think? Well, obviously, the term we didn't come up with this term. You know the word active listening, I think one of the main things. I just said this earlier on if I'm, if I learn to listen well, it will help me when I speak, that's good.
Speaker 1:Because my listening again, not listening to fix you, not listening to bring a rebuttal against you Again, none of those things are active listening. But if I'm listening well you've said this hundreds of times, which I love it helps me ask good questions. I think a lot of times this just hit me. I think a lot of times in our listening, our next words, our response, it should be in a form of a question, because if the person you're listening to, they're the one to a point carrying the conversation, because they're trying to share their feelings, to express what they're needing.
Speaker 1:I like that.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:So my first goal is not to again fix, but to ask a question again. These all sound so basic because they've been said for years. This is what I hear you saying and then, if you do have a feeling, you again push it back on yourself. This, when you said that, said that this is how this makes me feel. I'm not sure I know how to respond to that, but if you're, if you're listening, well you're. How then you communicate? I believe will definitely change.
Speaker 3:It will improve for sure, absolutely. Cause you're learning, you're listening to learn.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're listening to learn something about our spouse that we did not know before. And that listening, that principle, if you just carry that thought in mind. Every time I'm listening to my spouse, whether we're just waking up in the morning, whether we're just enjoying the day, whether we are in conflict or not, I'm listening because I'm learning, and the more you learn. Again, going back to that little bridge concept, that picture that you've painted so well today, again, it's that bridge of moving back and forth, of learning. It's a pathway, a pathway, and it just strengthens the marriage more and more. And isn't that the goal? I mean just to have awesome, rock-solid marriages that say something to the world. You know, it's just so needed, so important.
Speaker 1:Well, it's not just active, but it's attentive listening. I'm being intentional with my listening and I'm choosing to hear what you have to say, not waiting just to, because we have to do this in our mind and this takes time. Because we have to do this in our mind and this takes time. Robin and I both said we're not pros at it, because we continue to try to get better at this, but it gives me the ability as I'm listening, and then we've talked about this with so many couples If you're the speaker, then you've got to give that person time to process that as well too Right, like we said at the beginning, right.
Speaker 3:Too much information is not always the best plan.
Speaker 1:Because, let me ask you, this just really hit me Because, actually, if we're quick to respond and a lot of times we hear this a lot with couples one person's always wanting something resolved in the moment, and I think I'm learning that that is not the answer. Whether you're an extrovert or an introvert, if you can learn how to listen well, I think the speaker also has to learn how to pause as well, too, and say this is what I've shared, this is what I need, this is what I'm feeling. The listener should start learning how to slow down enough to maybe they respond in the moment. Maybe they don't, maybe we're both, maybe again, let's throw the word extrovert and introvert away.
Speaker 3:Maybe we're both, maybe again let's throw the word extrovert and introvert away and I think when you're saying extrovert and introvert, let me just say I think you're comparing that to someone who needs to talk, to think and process versus someone, which is nothing wrong with that. Right Versus someone like and that's the extrovert, I think it's important we say this the extrovert's going I'm an extrovert, I'm going to talk, to think.
Speaker 3:An introvert is going to think, to talk and maybe think some more, and then they're going to talk. So yeah, I think that's good to clarify that. But what I'm saying, you hear where I'm trying to push that a little bit Sure, like what if yeah, I'm hearing you say what if every conversation doesn't have to have resolve in the moment? Maybe there's value.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 3:I'm not saying you can't get to it, sure, but maybe there's even value in kind of giving that some time to marinate for lack of a better word. I'm trying to think of you know, or to settle in to process then to come back together maybe, and then maybe resolve would come. You would have a higher success rate with resolve because you've placed a value on some time, maybe even being given that it might be important.
Speaker 1:Is that what you're saying? I think so. I think that's an interesting concept. There's two things with that. As we're closing today, there's two things. One, in the class we had a lot of couples go. Well, you know, they said they were going to talk to me and seven days later we still haven't. That's too long. You can't go that long. I do think, on the flip side of that because we talked to some other couples and we're fortunately, because you and I have worked at it so hard we are at the place where we've learned how to resolve quicker, because we learned each other's language well, we ask good questions, we know how to process in the moment.
Speaker 1:We had a disagreement a couple days ago about something and within I don't know 10-15 minutes, I was able to think. We sat there for a second television. You know. We turned the television back on. I had a second to process, push the mute button and I went hey, I didn't see it from your point of view. I just jumped right in and expect you to understand and see everything the way I will, and we resolved it and we went on. Yeah, so, so there is that place where it seems like it speeds up. This is my, I'm getting my thought around this, so hang with me. It seems like it speeds up, but it actually because you've learned how to slow down.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay, wow, that's really good. I like that does that?
Speaker 1:does that make sense?
Speaker 3:yes, I'm glad you said that on the recording so we will have this here, because that's a really that's really good. Yeah, yeah it's we're able to speed up because we've learned to slow down yeah, yeah, that's really good.
Speaker 1:That is really good. I'm glad that we did record that Okay.
Speaker 3:I think we can end on that.
Speaker 1:That's like a great ending note that just hit me, that comes from a place way beyond me.
Speaker 3:Oh Well.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:I love it.
Speaker 1:Okay, so go out and be good listeners, y'all. Yeah, I wish you could be with us right now, because we're both like man. That's a wonderful thought. That's our goal right as a couple To learn how to resolve quicker yes, and deeper.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But really feel, heard and seen.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Right. I mean that's how I felt after our discussion, our disagreement, that we had Right, I felt, I felt I'd listen to you, you'd listen to me, right, and we went on. Yeah, I haven't thought about it, or no Dwelt on it, or.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's just great.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:All right guys.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good, so thanks for listening today. Yeah.
Speaker 3:And every day that you do, we so appreciate it.
Speaker 1:We will be back soon.
Speaker 3:Yes, we will.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, and we may continue this all.
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:All right, well, thanks for listening.
Speaker 3:See you again.
Speaker 2:You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your hosts, Rob and Robin Atkins. Stay up to date by following them on Instagram at marriageandus underscore podcast and on Twitter at marriageandus. Also hit the follow button so you never miss an episode from your favorite couple.