Marriage and Us
Are you recently engaged, newlyweds, or married for years and looking to learn even more about the art of marriage? Hosts Rob and Robin Atkins discuss what they've learned with honesty, humor, and gospel mindedness. In 34 years of marriage and 10 years as pre and post marriage coaches they practice what they teach. A podcast designed for couples with old tools or no tools wanting to maximize their life together with simple principles that can transform your marriage.
Marriage and Us
S3E04 - The Power of Communication in Marriage
In this episode of the Marriage and Us podcast, hosts Rob and Robin dive deep into the art of communication as a cornerstone of a thriving marriage. They share personal anecdotes and insights on how effective speaking skills can enhance understanding, intimacy, and connection between partners. Listeners will learn practical tips for improving their own communication, navigating tough conversations, and fostering a supportive dialogue that strengthens their relationship. Join Rob and Robin as they explore the transformative power of words in building a lasting partnership!
Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin. Thanks for listening to Marriage and Us. Each week we will talk about real-life topics that couples experience in everyday married life. So let's get to today's episode.
Speaker 2:Why, hello everybody.
Speaker 1:Hey, how are?
Speaker 2:you? I'm good. How are you doing? I'm doing good. Welcome to Marriage and Us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm Rob.
Speaker 2:I'm Robin.
Speaker 1:Just in case this is your first time finding us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we want to say welcome, hi, how are you doing?
Speaker 1:We're good, if this is seriously your first time, thanks for tuning in. Uh, and either you found us or somebody that we know or listens to the podcast recommended us, so we never take it for granted when somebody takes the time to hit the download or the play button and listen to what the two of us have to say. And talk about but, uh, yeah, it's's good.
Speaker 2:It is. It's really good. I mean, I think what makes our podcast, what makes our podcast, what makes our podcast enjoyable, in my opinion, is it's very conversational and you know it's not scripted. I'm sure if you've listened to more than one or two.
Speaker 1:I mean we have faults. We start with you can tell that.
Speaker 2:But we really just want to put these headsets on and just talk about life, love, marriage, kids, all the things.
Speaker 1:Opportunities, new things, yeah, yeah, it's been.
Speaker 2:Highs and lows. Highs and lows.
Speaker 1:It has been a at the time of this recording the last. The last 30 days has been um just a wild good time. I mean, it's just been yeah, it's been one blessing. Just call it what it is After another a lot of highs.
Speaker 3:It has been.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean from um 30 days ago, got a new a little less of that, but A little less of that but I got a new job offer. I'm going to be working for a new company here in Nashville, so I'm excited about that. Yeah, you got. I mean go ahead and share. I mean I know you shared at church this morning your testimony about what happened with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know I mentioned. If you guys have been listening, Well, they better have been listening.
Speaker 1:No, I'm sorry I'm joking, not really, but anyway. I'm sorry I'm joking, not really, but anyway.
Speaker 2:I have been dealing with some health issues from last year and I don't know if I ever specifically said what the health issues were. Take a second.
Speaker 1:Are you comfortable sharing about that? Yeah, I can share real quick.
Speaker 2:So just started having some neuropathy type issues around the spring last year in 2024. And I just felt like my health was just off. My body was off, not just not feeling my best, and uh, if any of you out there have had any issues with your nerve endings, it is. It's it's pretty rough and so you know, I just trying to just figure things out and going to see different doctors and having different tests run, and finally in September they said they found a lesion in my T-spine, which is kind of like your upper spine of your body, and this lesion was sort of centered around like my spinal cord, around my shoulder blades, and they were concerned and so I didn't expect that kind of diagnosis and immediately you know, started asking for people to pray.
Speaker 1:And then words were thrown out by a doctor that Right.
Speaker 2:They were concerned that it could be a cancerous, and so you know, with all that going on, the words like chemotherapy came up.
Speaker 1:You know, obviously, if you're listening, you know you've had those experiences. Those are stop stopping your tracks moments.
Speaker 2:Oh sure, yes, and and you know so I just had no idea, I hadn't, had just didn't see that coming at all. Um, but you know, instantly went to our church and and had some women Lindsay and Shannon pray with me and you know, just kind of settle me down and just, you know, really started just focusing on healing for my body and just really praying into that. So, like I said, this was around September, mid-september. So then the neurosurgeon that I found. I found an amazing neurosurgeon. He said let's go back in, we'll do a second MRI with contrast. And so after that MRI was done, they noticed that from the first one to that one, which was only about two or three weeks difference time-wise, that the lesion, the little tumor, was already beginning to shrink.
Speaker 2:So I was very excited and just really believing that Jesus was taking care of it. And so he said you know, we're just going to wait three months and then I'm going to have you go back and get an MRI after the first of the year, which would have been now, you know, around this time.
Speaker 1:We had such for some of you out there, that we had such truly Philippians. 4, peace. That surpasses understanding.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That did not make sense in that moment, even when you got that initial, that first doctor said you know cancer and chemotherapy, said you know cancer and chemotherapy. After the momentary shock of that, that's when faith and community and belief we just chose. We chose to put that in the forefront of our thinking and how we view things and just we went. Not only were you going after it in the natural sense, looking at you know herbs and how to eat healthy and all those things and what could you take? You know supplements for that, but the power of prayer just kicked in and it's so reassuring, you know, when you have a community, that just man locks arms and said let's pray.
Speaker 2:Let's go after this. It's absolutely amazing. So thankful, so, so thankful. So I went back for my follow-up, mri, with contrast this is where it gets good yeah, about two or three weeks ago. And then I had my follow-up appointment with the neurosurgeon, who walked in to see me, smiling ear to ear, carrying his laptop, and told me he had very good news and the lesion was completely gone. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:You know what that deserves? Yay, jesus, that deserves this. Wait, oh shoot, I thought I had it. Sorry, I thought I had. Yes, there it is. I haven't used a sound effect in a while.
Speaker 2:That's awesome.
Speaker 1:And that's what happened this morning at church. When you shared it, it was just like that.
Speaker 2:Everybody was like, woo, yeah, and so just so thankful, so thankful, and yes, definitely, giving Jesus all the glory and all the honor and he receives a reward for his suffering, for the healing of my body and um, so anyway, so that that talking about a high, that that you know, new job lesions gone, you know, and and we've been just focused, you know, on, um, this whole new season that we're in, we're in a new home, or you know, right now we're sitting, uh, recording, you know, in a in a new space, that we've been here maybe now three months and we're living on 16 acres instead of a little tiny plot in the middle of the city.
Speaker 1:I think I mentioned it, but just in case I didn't, because I just I feel the same way about what I'm about to say, how I feel about Okra, Just so you know, some of you have been listening.
Speaker 2:No, I have a huge love of Okra Bought a tractor listening know I have a huge love of okra bought a tractor.
Speaker 1:For those who don't know that, now you do that. You know I love okra, but I bought a tractor yes when we bought the farm, so that is. That's been pretty awesome yeah. I love my tractor. I am the in the envy of just about every man at our church, so I all your buddies all my buddies love when I post stuff on Instagram, whatever about me on the tractor.
Speaker 2:So that's, that's been a great and then Rob's bringing up okra, because it sounds like that just came out of nowhere. But we, we grow, we have, you know, vegetable garden Okra does not come out of nowhere.
Speaker 1:People, it takes effort, it and there's many other vegetables and springs coming, so we're excited, absolutely Well, we've got that going on. We also just so you know you'll be hearing some probably commercials on when we do this podcast Just launched a new podcast for men.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Called Just Everyday. Guys, won't you actually talk about that? You got to hear us talk about that called Just.
Speaker 2:Everyday Guys. Won't you actually talk about that? You got to hear us talk about that. It was really fun to be in the house listening to Rob and three of his buddies record the first podcast for Just Everyday Guys and the whole idea of the podcast.
Speaker 1:You got some insight, didn't you? I?
Speaker 2:did. It was great Just listening to you kind of bounce off of each other, the four of you talking together and sharing what I thought was really vulnerable moments in your lives. You're really like honest and open and talking about the highs and lows and the expectations that men deal with as far as who they should be as husband or as men in general, yeah.
Speaker 2:Dad's the whole, the whole thing. Yeah, just being a man, and so it was the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, just being a man, and so it was. It was great and I highly recommend it. I think it's going to be awesome, and then I know you're going to have some other guys kind of interchanging in and out, you know, from episode to episode and so yeah, so. So guys out there give it a listen. We know that some of the women are listening.
Speaker 1:Yes, I've had some women approach me and say thank you so much for putting that out. I've shared it with guys that I know that I think may be needing that, so that was a wonderful, unexpected result of the podcast.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Speaking of listening, speaking of talking. That's kind of what we're going to kind of dive into a little bit today about how to be a great speaker and be a great listener and you brought this topic up to me this week, whatever. So touch on a little bit, then I'll come back. I got some initial thoughts as well, too.
Speaker 2:I was reading a book on communication and the book started out simply by saying, when it comes to communication, that you need a speaker and a listener. And I don't know that, just it was so simple. But it just really kind of hit me, and I was thinking about it from a marriage standpoint, that for you to have good communication in marriage, it takes a speaker and a listener.
Speaker 1:And that does sound very simple, doesn't it? But maybe it's not as simple as it sounds. Obviously not, or nobody would need a podcast on marriage Right or counseling.
Speaker 2:Like Rob and I, our communication skill we both can speak a lot and then the listening part. We've really that's been probably the big piece we both have worked on. Uh, you know, after all these years of marriage, that I would say that is one takeaway that I would say that I know I've put a lot of effort into is listening better. Uh, but today we're going to talk about how to be a good speaker in marriage and this is just so important, so so important. So we'll start off by using a little term that we refer to as the foreign language, and we talk about this all the time with couples when we're working with them and doing some marriage coaching.
Speaker 1:So one of the number one yes, one of the number one things that we, I don't know, stumbled across years ago when we were first getting married, of understanding and again, this sounds so simple when you say it out loud that we are two different people Really, and in that uniqueness I had to learn. So the concept of the foreign language is this I speak Rob really well and you speak Robin really well, yeah, but what we had to learn to do was speak each other's language better.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:The number one thing. This is something that's not new, but I'm sure you may have heard this before, but most arguments come from when you're talking too much from your point of view. How I see things, how I look at things, and I'll say this initially you've said this many times our personalities are very similar, but again, like I said, we're two different people. So learning to know that again, as you say these things out loud, I'm kind of laughing because again, they sound so elementary that you have different views than I do, even though we agree on a lot of stuff. I had to learn. Wait a minute, I think I'm talking too much, rob and not enough.
Speaker 1:Robin, that has, like you said, over time we've learned. But I think and I know we're not going to touch on this a lot today, but it really is it's two parts there's speaking and there's listening. And I was going to ask you this Don't you think that it's amazing how many couples that we've talked to over the years and their arguments are, you know, circling the wagons around this same type of situation or same topic that they're dealing with? That the very thing that they're saying their spouse isn't doing you know I'm not being heard is the very thing that they need. They're both wanting the same thing, but we're so busy speaking sometimes we're not listening, and you've got to know, you know again, to be a great listener, you've got to be a great speaker, right?
Speaker 2:So you know, I think we're saying this applies to arguing. I will say, you know again, to be a great listener, you've got to be a great speaker, right? So you know, I think we're saying this applies to arguing. I will say, you know, when it comes to the foreign language piece as it pertains to arguing.
Speaker 1:And what is that definition? In case somebody's listening for the first time, how do we view what's our definition of arguing?
Speaker 2:Oh, arguing, yes, we like to refer to it as productive conflict.
Speaker 1:And what?
Speaker 2:does that mean? Argument can be an amazing experience If you walk away learning something about your spouse you didn't know before. So when you approach an argument from a place of wanting to learn and grow instead of defend and protect, you can really use. Use that as something that will be useful, an amazing experience that will draw you closer.
Speaker 2:Yes, and so I know it's hard to get into a lot of this right now and really break all this down, cause I think we've got a lot of different things to talk about today, but I will say that you know, when it comes to arguing, of course, the foreign language piece very, very important, but also in good communication and listening outside of an argument, just to grow closer. It's an awesome thing to be able to learn more about your spouse, because in learning more about their experiences throughout their life and then you, in turn, sharing with them about your own life, I think it helps you have a better understanding of each other and what your expectations are and how you view the simplest of things and, honestly, by doing that you prevent a lot of arguments because you know each other well because, you're putting in the effort to know each other.
Speaker 1:Well, right, and yes, and we kind of want to break this down. This is part of the category that you came up with of the how, how to be a great speaker, the foreign language that we mentioned, the productive conflict and you've got and I want you to kind of expound on these things I not you words. We test on the foreign language a little bit Flooding and not talking enough. Yeah, again, it sounds so simple, doesn't it Right?
Speaker 2:and this is all about how to be a good speaker. So the how-tos. We've already touched on the foreign language. Probably enough for the moment, Using the word I instead of you. Now, this is different than what Rob was saying, what you were saying a while ago about talking too much about yourself. This is really not the same thing at all.
Speaker 2:And this is going to again pertain to if you're in an argument or you know something kind of rubbed you the wrong way. An argument or you know something kind of rubbed you the wrong way. But it is important to share with your spouse how you're feeling from your perspective, more than saying you know, you, you hear me. Let me tell you how you make me feel. You make me feel this and that, and when you do this, you know and and those are dangerous words.
Speaker 1:They're very dangerous words when you're when the sentence starts with you grenades, you grenades.
Speaker 2:it's like you know you're dropping the? U bombs, um, but when you, when you flip that back around to say, hey, when, when, when I heard, heard you mention that this is how I felt, I felt fill in the blank, you know. So you're speaking more from how you are experiencing the moment more than pointing out, um, the problem with them.
Speaker 1:You can say like what you just said when you said this to me. But you've got to make sure, like what you just said, bring it back around to. This is how it made me I take it back to yourself feel and that ability then to you know it's real, I know we both are doing the same thing. We want to stay on track with the speaker part, but obviously it bleeds right over into the listening as well too. But you've got to have that ability to the other point talk enough. You've got to be able to explain. You can't just say words like I'm fine, I'm okay or well, let's just forget it. That solves nothing. You've got to have that ability to communicate what you're feeling.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And one of the number one things that we see, that is, you've got to know how to pause and slow down and when you feel yourself, maybe in that moment, when you're trying to speak escalating, and when you feel yourself, maybe in that moment, when you're trying to speak escalating. You've got to be able to pull it back some so that you can convey, because if the whole point of the conversation is to connect productive conflict with the person you love, the pace is really important.
Speaker 2:Pace is very important, very, very important. I told Rob that. I told him today at lunch. I said that the way that we communicate as a couple at times is like a ping pong match, because we are wired very much the same. So now this can be even outside of an argument, just in day-to-day conversation. I mean, you know, you can picture two people playing ping pong and you know it, it's just like ping ping, ping, ping ping. You know these guys like in the Olympics, they're like insanely fast right? Oh my gosh, I love watching those guys and there's times and when we are arguing we can tend to just well you know, this and this and this and this and this and this, and we're ping pong match into a golf game.
Speaker 2:It would be very different. Yeah, and within, within the realm of arguing, Not my golf game, it's just clear.
Speaker 1:Some of you have ever played golf with me. Not my golf game. Yet.
Speaker 2:But you know, I think that you know the there's so much um methodical decision making that goes into playing golf. And if you took that time to be that methodical before you just said something flippantly, it would be pretty amazing.
Speaker 1:It would be pretty amazing Well all great golfers, I mean, truly give so much credit to their caddy, because that's the person they're talking to, conveying what they see, how they see it, and then that ability to speak, tell what they need, and then pause and listen to what they're saying of you that have watched go, I mean. You know you walk up. You, especially when you're putting you walk on the green. You walk around the hole, you squat down to look at the hole. You, I mean all these things. You're throwing grass in the air to see where the wind's coming from. So it's, it's not just there's, there's a pace again to that.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Different than the ping pong mat.
Speaker 2:Right. So with the arguing, it's all about slowing slowing it down when it comes to being a good speaker, to change the conversation from being reactionary to more of a response.
Speaker 1:Which is one of our words of the how flooding.
Speaker 2:Right, right, talk about that a little bit, so flooding from what we've seen with couples that we've met with, especially if one spouse is more of an extrovert and the other is more of an introvert or a contemplator.
Speaker 1:I'm a high extrovert but I'm a very high contemplator. I need time to think.
Speaker 2:I was going to say yeah, you may need to explain what that means to be a contemplator, In other words.
Speaker 1:I get my thoughts clear because, again, we don't have time to go into this, but I don't want to say anything out of emotion, which is what you were just saying two seconds ago, so I try to slow down, so before I share, so I don't do that which I've done in the, which I did in the past. I slow down, take a to think, and you know that about me and we've communicated. That's again. Think about what we're talking about today. I had to learn to communicate. That's part of my foreign language. I had to learn to communicate. That I need a little time to think before I speak.
Speaker 2:Yes. So we might would say when we use the ping pong analogy for us, when it comes to us arguing, well, we might would say, when we use the ping pong analogy for us and when it comes to us arguing, maybe we're not so much of a ping pong game as much as we are in regular conversation, that we usually feed off of each other back and forth and talk fast. But we've seen with couples when there is someone who needs time to think things through and then you've got another person who is really wanting to get to the resolve, needs to get to the resolve.
Speaker 1:Well, that would be more like what the?
Speaker 2:problem is yes, I'm definitely wired like that. What can easily happen and just using the us, our own marriage, our relationship is an example when Rob was taking time to try to think through before he spoke back to me. He's thinking through what he wants to say. That's just such an opposite way of doing things from what I do that I assume that meant he's shutting down on me. He doesn't want to talk to me.
Speaker 2:So, I'm going to just talk my head off. I am going to talk and talk and talk and I am literally flooding. I'm flooding Rob with my words. He is drowning in my words.
Speaker 1:It's okay. If you're one of those people, I can. I literally can hear people's brains right there on their hearts as we're talking about that. If you're one of those people, it's that's okay it is okay, but but, but it doesn't right I?
Speaker 2:I will say what I learned from that is it doesn't help get to the resolve that's what I was.
Speaker 1:Yes even though it makes what I felt like I needed to do in the moment because if I can come up with the right combination, right.
Speaker 2:Because, that's kind of the way that I am naturally wired is there's a problem, something to fix, and you know, if I can come up I'm like the guy at the safe. That's like swirling those. You know that dial around you know, and I'm trying to find that right combination, that doesn't work. This, maybe this will work in it. You know that dial around. You know, and I'm trying to find that right combination, that doesn't work. This, maybe this will work in it.
Speaker 1:So all all the time I'm ricocheting you with, you know all the possibilities could be that you know in my mind and all this is happening in real time, and it's fast, and this can happen for a man or a woman that you can have this where you flood, because what happens is it's literally what it means You're drowning in words.
Speaker 2:For the person who needs time.
Speaker 1:So what we're talking about is learning how to be a good speaker. If that's how you have communicated before, that's something that you need to be aware of, and if your husband or your wife whatever the case may be may say, hey, I'm lost, I don't know, that's a sign, because that's part of it as well, too. So it's not only expressing your needs clearly, but it's also paying attention to nonverbal clues. Cues, cues, yes, or they could be. Clues. What if I was hiding it from you? Cues I'm trying to cover up there for my wrong words.
Speaker 2:That's pretty good, thanks.
Speaker 1:Anyway. So it could be a cue. And if you just steamroll over that again productive conflict, you're missing an opportunity to learn how to speak your spouse's language better, because it is a give and take. You still need to be you, but if the whole purpose of it is to have a conversation and learn something about your spouse, you're going to have to adjust how you, because, wouldn't you say? We've seen a lot of couples where that's they're frustrated. One is like we said, the house one is talking so much they're flooding, and then the other one is not saying enough for the spouse.
Speaker 2:Right, because that's the opposite of flooding, yeah, not enough. Right. Some people flood and over communicate, to the point that the other person is lost.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Or you're someone who doesn't know exactly what you need, right, you're someone who doesn't know exactly what you need, right, and you so, therefore, you don't even know how to share, how to talk about it, and and I and I get that, and that's hard. It's very hard when and and often that that happens for people who maybe didn't get to like speak a lot as kids, you know like parents that were very overbearing, or people in their lives were very overbearing and didn't really let them discover who they are.
Speaker 1:So now or help them process through their emotions.
Speaker 2:Right and ask them and now they're married and it's like, what do I do?
Speaker 1:Exactly so. There's no way that you're 20, 30, 40, if you were told when you were a kid, hey, basically suppress those things, or that your feelings aren't as important because you're just a kid. So no wonder we. But just like we kind of challenge the flooding people with their words, we want to do the same thing to you. If you don't talk enough, you've got to learn to have. One of the greatest gifts I think I gave myself and you is when we would be in those moments, and once I learned to recognize that you needed something different than me, I was then able to say I want you to know I've heard you, but I need time to process this. But my promise was to you and it really changed how we communicate and how you speak was I will get back to you.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So again, I had to tell you what you needed as well too, and I had to adjust how I did that, and I had to make sure to follow up with you, you know, and not just let it go. You know, go two weeks later and we still haven't. Because then now, now we're headed towards not just an argument but a fight, because we've left something so unresolved for so long.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, that's true, and I will say again, because we're talking about using being a good speaker in, in arguments, but also outside of arguments, even just you know, learning about each other, the way people are wired some people love the details, you know, it's like all the details. They want to know every little thing. Other people they enjoy like more of an overview approach. Okay, so again, still using that you're not speaking enough versus over communication and words flooding. I think we also see that even in just sharing every day anything you know, some people they're almost exhausted by every little detail of a day, you know.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you a question yeah and I because you, I think you're going to see in the in these two episodes is how the speaking and the listening are so crucial, how they interact with each other. Right again, I know this sounds simple, but something that you've done so well over the last few years and you've developed and I've tried to learn from that is when you're sharing, again, slowing down and pausing, reading the body language. Sometimes you ask me a question and then sometimes you just wait.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:But if my nonverbal cues Mm-hmm, I didn't write that down Cues are telling you that I may be flooded, you've learned to stop and go. Hey, are we in sync here, right? Is there any questions that you have for me? Am I making myself clear? Yeah, or how did you hear that? So that part of speaking is just asking questions is just as are so important.
Speaker 3:Yes, To the speaking process.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Of sharing. Yes, that's good, that's really good.
Speaker 1:Well, you've done that.
Speaker 2:Oh well, thank you.
Speaker 1:Yay me Okay.
Speaker 2:So we talked about how to be a good speaker. So now, why don't we flip?
Speaker 1:So when is, when is a good time?
Speaker 2:When do we speak?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:Okay, timing and timing is everything. It is Right.
Speaker 2:What does that mean? Well, I'm going to. I'll try to connect all these dots.
Speaker 1:So if you're someone who really wants to get to resolve right, and there's a lot of us out there, there are, and you know you just something feels broken.
Speaker 2:You feel like you're kind of on the outside looking in.
Speaker 1:Well, tell that story. I love that analogy, when you share how you feel we're disconnected. Oh yeah, we're disconnected, yeah.
Speaker 2:So yeah.
Speaker 1:Visually. This is such a great visual yeah.
Speaker 2:So to me it feels like, if I am disconnected from Rob, it's sort of like I'm out in the front yard and I'm looking in through, like we have a big window even in the house we're living in now the new house same thing. There's this big window in the living room. So if I'm in the yard, locked out of the house, because that's what it feels like I'm locked out of the house, uh, and I'm looking through the window at you and I see you in there. I just want to get in the house. I want to be in the house with you, but I'm outside and so I'm just going to find some way to get back in this house. I'm going to try to pick the front door lock, I'm going to check every window and I'm just, you know, like frantically trying to figure out how do I get back in this house. I just want to be back in this house. You know I'm disconnected and that's kind of how I for a long time, how I viewed that. Like you know, I'm locked out of the house.
Speaker 1:And we're talking about emotional disconnect.
Speaker 2:Yes, and emotional Right. Yeah, you would never lock me out of the house or like wave. I'm sorry, but I wish you were back in here with me. No, we're not talking about that, people.
Speaker 1:I love that voice that was so good?
Speaker 2:I don't think you've ever sounded like that but, it just came out of nowhere you know. So, um, but yeah, uh, yeah, we're just using that as a what are those?
Speaker 1:even she's thinking about me. An analogy she's thinking about me blocking her out of the house.
Speaker 2:And so you know, I think that's a it can be such an issue for someone that then that bleeds over not only into how we communicate but when we do like in the most inopportune times. You know, I've got to talk to you right now because I'm I'm disconnected and I'm freaking out, you know.
Speaker 2:Um. So it's like take a breath. If you're one of those kinds of people, we're going to take a breath and we're going to really think about the timing, because in communication, the bottom line is that you want to not only feel seen and heard, you want your spouse to feel like they're being seen and heard and you want to communicate in a way that they understand. And isn't that the goal?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:You know, really, isn't that the goal of fight? Like we've've said many times, is like a winner and a loser, but loser, did I say loser, loser.
Speaker 1:You're looking at the wrong person to correct you with words that is not my, that's not me.
Speaker 2:Oh, man, you know. But instead of having a winner or loser. You know you want to, but instead of having a winner or loser, you know you want to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because again a fight is you're right or I'm wrong, or I'm right. And since you admit, I'm right.
Speaker 2:Sure, that's horrible.
Speaker 1:That's not where we want to be.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 1:So the win, the timing of that is crucial for some couples that we've talked to. They literally set a schedule. They say, hey, we need to talk about this, and I think that can be beneficial because, again, it mentally, emotionally, spiritually prepares you for that, that you know you're going to talk about it. So if you've had time that you need to think about what you want to say, I think that's as good as well too.
Speaker 2:I do. I think it's good too. I think that, for people who want to get to the resolve right away, I think you need to ask yourself why you know, why do you have to? Why does this need to be resolved right here, right now?
Speaker 1:You might find that Well, I just need to know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I need to know, I want this fixed and this has just got to be. You know we've got to take time right now, right this very instant. I think you know there's a lot of that that could be based in fear, like trauma from something probably that happened before, that didn't go well.
Speaker 1:But the question you have to ask yourself. We didn't get here overnight.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So, realistically, we're not going to fix it in these next five to 30 or two hours.
Speaker 2:I mean you might, I mean maybe, but to say that's the expectation every time, that it's going to be a self-fix, then let me clarify that.
Speaker 1:What I'm saying is, as you learn this process and we are living examples of this we hardly ever fight.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, I don't think we do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we have arguments or even disagreements, but even in that a simple phrase, we sense it so much now we go, hey, are we headed for an argument? We say that out loud and that kind of jolts us back into what is going on?
Speaker 2:what's got us to this?
Speaker 1:place. It's jarring. Yes, you know what is going on, what's got us to this place, Because most couples that we talk to again it's this merry-go-round of the same argument. But as you start learning how to communicate, how and when, then you're able to get off that carousel and then you'll start learning how to get to a place of resolve quicker.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And that's I think oh, this is hitting me, that's the key point. You're never going to agree on everything. You're always going to have some type of argument Again, opportunity to learn, because we never want to quit learning about our spouse. But the length of those arguments and how they come about, you're able to I don't know, maybe not that word, I'm going to use this word. If you have another word jump in, push through so that you can get to that place of resolve and it's not a lengthy thing. And then, three months later, you're having the same disagreement. You learn how to resolve it. You go oh okay, well, I didn't. I didn't know that's what you actually meant when you said that. So you're able to shorten that. But that can only happen. When you start doing some of these things, learn how to pause and learn how to slow down and know when to talk Again. What's the little acronym? Halt?
Speaker 2:Yeah, halt, so you never get into a big old deep conversation.
Speaker 1:If you're hungry? I sound like myself from to a big old deep conversation, if you're hungry alone angry, yes, angry. If you're arguing with yourself, that's another podcast. Angry I think L's for lonely Maybe, and the T is for tired.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I think that sounds right.
Speaker 1:You got me laughing so much.
Speaker 2:HALT the acronym Hungry angry lonely or tired?
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's got to be right.
Speaker 1:If that's not right, somebody will text us and tell us yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Like, have you ever started an argument? But it's about dinner time and you're both starving, and then you spent an hour or two grinding out something, and then the food's cold and oh, oh, terrible.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:You can't do that, yeah. And then, lastly, ok, so we've hit on how to be a good speaker, when to speak, and the last one I thought might be interesting to talk about for a few minutes is where to speak. So where are you when you decide to have conversations, especially difficult conversations? Now, if it's just fun conversations where you're learning more about each other, gosh, I mean, I think anytime's great, so that's awesome. But when it's going to be, yes, we were right.
Speaker 1:Hungry, angry, lonely, tired.
Speaker 2:Okay, I just wanted to make sure.
Speaker 1:Okay, good job.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Way to go brain. Yeah, so this one is somewhat funny Well, I shouldn't say funny, bad choice of words, maybe. But we have couples that tell us we went over to my mom's house and we got in a big old argument right before we walked in the door, right? Well, that's not the time to bring up those deep things.
Speaker 2:No, Not when you're in the car. Heading to your in-laws is not a good time to communicate.
Speaker 1:Or if you're going on a date. How many couples we've talked to get in an argument going out for a date?
Speaker 2:Right, right, you finally find time for a date night and then you get into some disagreement.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just going to say stop doing that, don't do it.
Speaker 2:Right or on vacation, you go on a vacation. It's like. Now I'm going to share the deepest, darkest regrets and pain I have and what I'm aggravated with you about. No, that is not good.
Speaker 1:That is not good. And then this one definitely I want to say this the right way. I believe there's just like when there's a place on the couch. I usually set the same place when I get up in the morning and that's where I have my time of meditation and I read my scriptures and do that and that's kind of my spot. And the bedroom needs to be a place if you can really do your best to not argue in the bedroom.
Speaker 1:Yes, like setting a good boundary to say this is a spot that is a safe place For us for intimacy and this is a place where it's our place, away from everybody else, and that's just because the environment that you're in, because you think about it, I mean, if that's where you argue a lot, there's memories that you're creating there that's just not, they're not healthy visually for you to have.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah. So I think what we're saying is a set of boundaries and suggest you all out there set boundaries to say, hey, you know what? The bedroom is not going to be a place where-.
Speaker 1:Or right before you go to bed, even.
Speaker 2:Right, because, yeah, talking about timing, yeah, when? No, not right before you go to sleep. We have met couples, we have talked to couples that they get in these arguments around nine o'clock, 10 o'clock at night, and then they're up to one and two in the morning and then typically by then they're so fried from arguing they can't even sleep. The next day is rough.
Speaker 1:Just think about what that does to you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, right before you go. I mean it's a proven fact Just watching a war movie before you go, your brain is just so stimulated it's just not healthy for you. And then try to relax and have that place of where rest is supposed to happen. So that's stop it. Don't do it.
Speaker 2:Don't do it at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we love you enough to tell you that so we've talked about the how the when and the where.
Speaker 1:Hopefully, what we'd love for you to do is, as you've listened to this, talk to your spouse about this. If he or she is not listening to our podcast, ask them hey, let's go get on the Robin Robbins podcast. It's great, but anyway, talk about this and have that open conversation and go. Are we doing some of these things? You know, am I flooding you? Don't get offended if they say yes. Am I not talking enough? Don't get offended if they say yes. Are we allowing things to build up to such a place that we're having these moments and these deep discussions at the wrong time? How can we, how we? What's that? We, not you, Right, how do we fix this?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then commit, like Robin said, healthy boundaries to say we're not going to do it, we're not going to have these discussions during this time or the where you know we're not going to do it right before we go to my mom's house, your mom's house, whatever the case may be. We're not going to do it on date night.
Speaker 1:Right and we're not going to do it. I think what happens on date night. Tell me if you think I'm wrong on this. I don't think I am. I think because when you finally slow down enough and a date night feels that way, because maybe you've got a babysitter with the kids and you're actually not having to cook in the kitchen and, you know, wash the dishes and you're sitting down, then when you feel relaxed, you feel, oh, now's a good time for me to, and it's really and it's really not Enjoy your time as a husband and wife, being together, not feeling like you've got to. That's not the moment to solve all the world's problems.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, right. Don't you think that's good? Yeah, I agree with you.
Speaker 1:We hear that one a lot.
Speaker 2:We do. We do when the date night goes sideways.
Speaker 1:So, just like the bedroom, keep that separate, protect that space.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:When you go out, enjoy just being with each other, talk about trivial things, you know, whatever the case may be, but don't make those moments, don't steal those moments. I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2:I like the way you just said that that's good. Yeah, don't steal those precious moments.
Speaker 1:Because they're hard to come by and so many couples we talk to really have to put forth. You know, and if you're hearing this and you haven't done a date night in a while, let's go get on it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know those are important because those are the things this is not just us saying countless surveys of what that means to your marriage. You know, telling your wife or your husband that you love them, how much you appreciate them. I was sending a text during the day. I want you to know I was thinking about holding each other's hand. I want you to know I was thinking about holding each other's hand when you're out in public. All those small, what seems so small, are huge in longevity of marriage.
Speaker 2:That's good bud.
Speaker 1:This was good stuff, that was a good topic, yeah, so next time we're going to talk about listening. Talk about listening. Yeah, do you have anything to?
Speaker 2:say I need to listen to.
Speaker 1:Not right now. I was just trying to throw you a curveball right here.
Speaker 2:we should have had a video running because I'm looking at you like what well guys.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening as always we we appreciate you so much if this has made an impact, hopefully, on your marriage, on your life. I'm not gonna just. We just want more people, not just to to us, but we want people to have healthy marriages. So share this with somebody you know and just send them the link. Hey, I think you'll enjoy this. I think this will help your marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's all I know, all right guys. Well, hey, until the next time.
Speaker 1:Until the next time, see you.
Speaker 2:Bye.
Speaker 3:You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your hosts, Rob and Robin Adkins. Stay up to date by following them on Instagram at marriageandus underscore podcast and on Twitter at marriageandus. Also hit the follow button so you never miss an episode from your favorite couple. You.