Marriage and Us

S2E05 - Protecting Our Space: Keeping Outside Distractions Away from Your Marriage

Rob and Robin Atkins Season 2 Episode 5

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In this episode Rob and Robin dive deep into the topic of distractions that can pull couples apart. In a world filled with noise from social media, work commitments, and family obligations, how can we ensure our marriage remains a priority?

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Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester

Rob:

Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin. Thanks for listening to Marriage and. Us. Each week, we will talk about real-life topics that couples experience in everyday married life. So let's get to today's episode. Hello everybody, hey guys, welcome back in. Yes, hope everybody is doing well, guys. Welcome back in.

Robin:

Yes.

Rob:

Hope everybody is doing well out there in podcast land.

Robin:

I wonder what people do in podcast land. I don't know, I don't know, I just I don't either.

Rob:

So they could be in their car. Yeah, they could be at the gym. True, they could be sitting on their couch. Who knows where you're listening to this podcast, gardening, gard. Who knows where you're listening to this podcast, gardening, gardening. But the whole point is, we're glad you're listening.

Robin:

Yes, we are.

Rob:

And if this is your first time.

Robin:

Yes.

Rob:

I'm Rob, I'm Robin, exactly, and we've been married 34 years.

Robin:

Wow, incredible, incredible. We did it, we did.

Rob:

And we keep doing it. Yes, exactly.

Robin:

And we love marriage.

Rob:

Yes exactly, and we love marriage.

Robin:

Oh, absolutely.

Rob:

Love being married. Yeah, love talking about marriage. Yes, love helping people with marriage.

Robin:

Yes, we've been for the last several years working with couples, especially in the area of pre-marital coaching, and it's just so much fun. I love being at the front end of a couple's journey and you know talking and game planning.

Rob:

Hearing their dreams, yeah.

Robin:

Hearing their love story how they met One of our favorite things. How?

Rob:

you know how he proposed or she proposed you know, maybe We've had a few of those yeah. And the wedding day the whole thing, first date, first kiss, all those things. Oh, it's just fun, we love all those stories, yeah the wedding day the whole thing, first date, first kiss, all those things we love, all those stories, yeah, yes, absolutely. Speaking of that, as we we do a lot of premarital, like Robin said, we also do marriage tune-ups, but one of the things we do a premarital is we use an assessment called SEMPAS.

Robin:

Yes, save your marriage before it starts, and it's by Les and Leslie Parrott.

Rob:

Exactly, and one of those things that you know it's like hot topic buttons or hot topic discussions that come up.

Robin:

you know that when they take the assessment, that shows Things that maybe, yeah, maybe, they have a hard time agreeing on or finding resolve, or you know, who takes out the trash, or what does Thanksgiving look like, like, whatever the case may be.

Rob:

So there's just all those things, but one of the things that we I'll never forget the first time we saw this couple and the assessment came back, and one of their one of her complaints was that he's always on the phone oh, yeah, remember that, and it's like wow, we've never seen that one and it showed up several times after that.

Rob:

So what's the point? Today is about distractions, yes, and how they come in, how they affect and how hopefully you can set up boundaries to guard against those things. But you've got things like and all of you that are listening, obviously if you're on social media podcasts, I hope our podcast is not a distraction to podcasts. As soon as I said that work stress.

Robin:

All the other ones are, but not us folks. All the other ones except us.

Rob:

Keep listening to us. Family obligation and friends and family. Did I say family twice?

Madison:

You did.

Rob:

Yeah, that was on purpose. But those things, if you're not careful and not aware of them, can become distractions, even things that you have to do, like you, and I have talked about chores before, for example.

Robin:

Right, right, I mean, chores are a part of life when you're married. There's no way to not do them. Well, I mean, there are, are, but I think they call those people hoarders. Sorry, uh, you know, I did not see that coming, or whatever but you know, I mean, there's certain things like you have to wash the clothes sooner or later. Uh, wow, I hope you clean that toilet sometime in the near future.

Rob:

You move out of Jumanji because your yard is 10 feet tall.

Robin:

Yeah, exactly, you know, and all of those things are part of married life. But you know there's a time and place for chores and those type of things to be done and I think that if you time them right then they're not distractions.

Rob:

Well, they can be even time to do things together. I mean cooking, you know. For example, they hit me today. I mean that has been a journey for us, because I have my way of cooking and you have your way, and that's something that I've enjoyed, that we've made an effort to work on of how we cook together. Right, you know, because it's a little different, I'm a little messier, you're cleaner, but that's just the fact of the matter. Washing dishes is not a woman's job, Right, nor is it a man's job. It's our job and that's how. All joking aside, I know everybody has their patterns, but it's just there's something about doing those things together. I mean, like, I'm very protective of the garbage, I like taking the garbage out.

Robin:

You do and I like you taking the garbage out. I appreciate that.

Rob:

But you can have social media, even television time, your computer time. All those things can become a distraction if you're not careful. So, with that, what do you need to do? Obviously, you've got to talk about it, but one of the main things is learning how to set boundaries. Yes, for those particular things, and that can be very difficult. I was just, I was going to say just for younger couples, but I think this can be difficult at any time. If you've not done this, if you learn how to do it in the beginning, you've got to know how to set boundaries up with your friends and with your family it's true because ever even good intentions can get in the way, because their opinion is sometimes just their opinion and but you, that's same.

Rob:

You and I've said this we're together all the time.

Robin:

Right.

Rob:

I mean when we make up. If you're not careful, you, whatever you shared with somebody, they don't see. When you make up, they don't see the resolve and now they form an opinion about you or about me versus understanding you and I have worked that out. So you've got to be careful not to allow too many outside voices to come in. Nothing wrong with seeking advice or asking somebody's opinion, that's not what we're saying. But you do have to guard. Make sure what you share. If you do share a problem with somebody you really trust, make sure to go back and talk to them and say, hey, I just want to know, we worked this out, we talked about it. So you don't allow that other relationship to become a distraction. Does that make sense, this out?

Robin:

We talked about it. So you don't allow that other relationship to become a distraction. Does that make sense? That makes sense, yes, and I think, just to clarify even, I think it's important for couples to identify, you know, within their marriage. You know, what do you think are the distractions in our marriage? And I think that it's honest and open communication that is shared kindly, because sometimes what might seem like in a just, I mean a distraction for me might not be a distraction to you. I was just thinking about that and vice versa. Uh, so you know, sitting and kind of thinking those things through because, like you said, you know we're going back to, you know, social media, of course, our phone, you know we can all get distracted, just, you know, scrolling forever, looking at things, but work stress to, you know um obligations, you know, work, stress, let's, let's camp there just for a second we've been very honest and open.

Rob:

Everybody's wired different, but one of the and you've said this to me one of the greatest gifts that I've given you is the ability for you just to dump the truck or unload the day and allow you to process that, and I don't have to fix that Right. You, just as you, share that with me. Going back to communication, that may feel like one-sided at times, but that's crucial for you to be able to let that stress of the day go it at times, but that's crucial for you to be able to let that stress of the day go. So then you're able to focus on the rest of the evening, because if you don't and that's it could be on both sides Men need to do it too, to let go of the day.

Robin:

So you don't necessarily carry that into your, your personal or private time that you desire to have with your spouse or with your kids, Right, and that time that you have, and I think there's also distractions that come from work, just with things that need to be done. You know, I mean there's so many people these days are remote that you know a job that started and ended and you walked out the office.

Robin:

I see a lot of people now you know that are remote and the expectation is basically you're just on call whenever we need you, and trying to find ways to, uh, separate boundaries and separate that time can be a challenge right but it's real and you know, I think we've seen that even now that we do, you know, have friends and even family that have worked remote and sometimes it's like gosh, do they ever get to not work Right? And?

Rob:

this is a side note on that I would major encourage you to, if you do work remotely or you do work from home before your spouse comes home it could be the husband or the wife encourage you to try your best to have a time that you you check out of work and start gearing yourself, whether that's going outside, walking around, whatever that case may be ride your bike, something that separates and unwinds that. That you know. Yes, you may be working from home but, your home is not your office.

Rob:

Right you understand what I'm saying? Yes, it is, people have an office in the home that's not what I'm saying but they know how to separate their work time into their family time, because, if not, that can become a distraction, because it'd be easy to run. You're in the living room and run, there's your office and you could go right back in and dive in and, you know, miss out some quality time with your husband or your wife.

Robin:

Which leads into quality time, right Quality time Exactly.

Rob:

So again, that goes again. So what I've been saying, we're understanding, we're identifying common distractions, we're hopefully learning how to set boundaries, which you've said so many times, comes by great communication, yes, and so again, creating quality time. What does that look like for you when you think about that?

Robin:

Well, for me, I think, quality time is letting go of.

Robin:

In my case, a lot of times it is the chores, it's the things that I'm looking at, the, you know, in the house, when we're in, uh, in the more in the evening, more later in the night, and you know I'm thinking, well, I could squeeze in a load of laundry, or I could, you know, do this or that, um, to tidy up, or you know something, something along those lines. And so, uh, learning how to just let those things go, that it's, you know, is that, the most important thing to be focusing on right now. Because quality time with you, you know, and just getting to sit in the living room, talk, you know, share ideas, maybe watch something on TV that's even stimulating, and, you know, right, we start sharing about our thoughts on whatever we're viewing, that kind of thing is, is just great. And sometimes for me, I know, a distraction can just be something that's trivial but for some reason feels like oh, you know, I could go ahead and get that done, because I really love to check the box.

Robin:

You know what I'm saying that that's I'm a. I'm a doer at heart, and so you know, once I go in and I like I clean the bathroom, it's just like you know. Check the box I mean look at that bathroom.

Robin:

It looks great, sparkling, sparkling clean, you know, uh, and, and I can get into that mode easily because I actually enjoy. That really feels enjoyable to me. I mean, I know there are people out there that that probably sounds like no fun, but there's a part of me that I really love to organize and clean and all of that. But we're talking about quality time and quality time is going to be something that both of us.

Rob:

It's a de-stressor for you. It is, and it is a de-stressor.

Robin:

But you know, at the same time I love, just you know, sitting in the living room with you and just enjoying the night together. Right so to me that's quality time.

Rob:

You know I will say this Something that I've seen us both really work on over the years, though, are small little things that that we do to let each other know that we want to be with each other in that moment. You know, it can be something as simple as hey, I need to go put a load of laundry in there, and I'll go, hey, let me go do that for you. And I go to it because, again, I know that I want to be with you, so I can run, do that, so it doesn't become a distraction, or it could be. We are watching a show and this seems so simple, but hitting the pause button going, I want to wait till you get back in here because I want to have this moment with you. Yeah, so it's not always big things, right, I think and we've talked to so many couples about this, I know this is high on both of our lists is working on having a date night.

Robin:

Yes, and you would think that sounds like the simplest thing to come up with a date night. But we have as we have sat with couples not so much premarital, but the couples have been married for a while and and life is busy and they have almost forgotten how to push back on that, yeah.

Robin:

How to even plan a date night. Or or each person, each spouse, has their own opinion or idea of what the date night should be, and so what happens is the, you know, if one, if one spouse is very specific of like I really want to go, do you know fill in the blank, um, and the other person's not.

Robin:

Maybe they're not totally into it but they still want to do it because they know it means something to their spouse. But gosh, sometimes it's still. It's like it can just go sideways, you know, I mean we've seen couples that that have really been disappointed in just a date night because it's not, um, uh, living up to an expectation and maybe, maybe it's because I don't know.

Robin:

Is it that when you think of a date night, I mean are, are we fantasizing what date nights should be, and then it's romantic and all of? These things and yeah, maybe the expectation's so high that it's some guy playing a violin in the corner. You know, I don't know right, you know I I don't know what that's about, but exactly but I just see the disappointing side of it from we're trying to move away from things that cause us distractions.

Rob:

You know, I mean there are ways to make the date night successful. You know you can ask hey, give me a list of what your three or four favorite restaurants are. You know, but if one of you, you know whichever one puts forth the effort to try to do that, I mean, like we go out on a date night just about every week. We see that most time we get home from work or sometimes we'll go directly for it and we'll go eat sushi, and it's not. It's not hours.

Robin:

No, I mean it's maybe an hour and honestly we do. We do that a lot, I mean. So it's not like we're coming up with all these different date nights for ourselves. That's kind of like something that we've scheduled on. You know, one night every week and it's the same night, and then, yeah, we go to the same restaurant. Yeah, we even know all the people. They, they, they know what we're going to order before we even sit down. And it's just kind of it's fun. You know, it's like there's no heavy expectation or anything.

Rob:

It's light and it's just enjoyable and I think, if you I love being romantic, don't get me wrong.

Rob:

I love planning those types of dinners. I love surprising you. But you know well, I know that if we're having communication again, we're talking about trying to what causes distractions. Understanding that if we're having communication again, we're talking about trying to what causes distractions. Understanding that if we're having great communication, I'm going to have a knowledge of what you like and don't like. Yeah, and if I don't, that's on me, because I'm not asking you. Yeah, yeah, and if you don't tell me, that's on you.

Robin:

Yes, because that's part of open communication.

Rob:

And that's what we try to stress to some of these couples that they create this expectation that they've never told the other person what they would like. Right, so true, so again, and that can become a distraction. What's supposed to be something good turns into something negative because it wasn't what you had in your mind, but your spouse won't know that, again, can't read your mind, right, if you don't communicate. There's been times even for us.

Robin:

I was trying to think you know times that we've gone and done things where, where you know you, you've picked something you know I'm going to really enjoy.

Madison:

Right.

Robin:

It's not like maybe something that you're going to enjoy as much, but you you enjoy it because you know it means something to me. And I do think there's also that piece in there too that should be considered that. That makes it special when I know, you know, I don't know, I'm trying to think of something like I love gardening and you've learned to enjoy gardening.

Rob:

But like if. I'm all hyped up about the benefits of your growing a garden okra. Let's just say I haven't said okra in a while.

Robin:

Love okra yeah, but you know, if I'm gonna get all hyped up and excited about ways to improve the soil, it's not like you're going yeah, let me hear about that you know, um, but, but there's been times when I'm just so excited about it and I'm like man, I just found this well like you, love going to a farmer's market most of the time. Oh my gosh, yes, absolutely.

Rob:

I can take it or leave it Right or find new herbs like new herb plants. Yeah, give me those herbs, baby. That's what I say every time.

Robin:

Like all the kinds of mint, chocolate mint, orange mint. There's even strawberry mint, I found out.

Rob:

now I'm going to find one, but I enjoy it because you enjoy it and I get to spend time with you. Yes, that's what I'm talking about, because here's the thing that's just hit me, and I want to challenge some of you that are listening to this. If you make your spouse feel bad when they've planned a date night and it's not what you expected, it's more about you than it is as a couple.

Robin:

Ouch, yeah, it's true, very true.

Rob:

I'm just saying.

Robin:

That's really good.

Rob:

Thanks. I appreciate that. Thank you for sharing. Yeah, we test on this a little bit.

Robin:

You've got to prioritize communication. Yeah, I mean, that's what we're talking about, even right now.

Rob:

Exactly so you've got to, and it's got to be where you can express your concerns safely.

Robin:

Yes, or at least we hope. I know sometimes we'll say you've got to no but we're encouraging you that yes that it's good.

Rob:

I don't, I and I understand, because you've, you've caught yourself a few times saying this we do want to suggest that, but some of the things that we not just us countless marriage counselors, coaches, whatever. There are things that for you to have a successful marriage, you've got to be willing to change, and healthy communication is one of those. If not, you're going to stay stuck.

Robin:

Yeah, this is true. Yeah, it's very true.

Rob:

I know I'm hitting it hard tonight aren't I.

Robin:

That's good, it's good.

Rob:

But it is the truth.

Robin:

So I like this little thing that we thought of too. Going back to date nights and herbs, yeah, I want to talk about herbs, some more Sage, basil, rosemary, thyme. They're all my friends so anyway. But you know, cultivating, oh, cultivating.

Rob:

There we go, cultivating shared interests. You know, iating, oh, cultivating.

Robin:

There we go, cultivating shared interests, you know, and and I think that this has been really fun, you know, we've done some things to cultivate like new interests, you know, cause, like I said, I mean, sometimes our little date night every week is the same thing, but then there's other times that we're like, hey, let's be, let's be daring and try something new. So I can, I can think of one time when we went and took an archery class.

Rob:

Yes.

Robin:

It was really fun.

Rob:

I enjoyed that one. You didn't have to sell me very hard.

Robin:

Yeah, no, it was like something that neither one of us had ever done before, and it was. It was really fun.

Rob:

It was.

Robin:

And those are the kind of things that if you guys can just sit and just talk about hey, what about this, what about that? If you even go to the Chamber of Commerce sites in any city and shoot, arrows no, but look at different fun things that might be coming into town, like events. Fair word there.

Robin:

Look out at different fun things that they that might be coming into town, like events um, or look out no, there might be events coming to your city or, uh, free classes and all kinds of like cooking classes and right at community colleges.

Rob:

Um, how to make kombucha, I don't know you know, I'm seeing it on shows and movies where people go take cooking classes together and it's, you know, it's, it's discovering something new together. Yes, and that creates that bond.

Robin:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So I love all of that. I'm even collecting, like you know, usually when we go on a trip, there's like like our Christmas tree, we always, you know, we want to find a, an ornament, and it's like, it's like something that means something to both of us and it's like a little hobby sort of thing that we have where, you know, we want to bring back an ornament to put on the tree to commemorate this trip, or you know what I'm saying. It's like even those little things, interests, hobbies, just just fun stuff, you know, don't don't get too intense and heavy with it, Just whatever comes to mind.

Rob:

We don't do this, but we have talked to couples that, because it was back to the cell phones, for example, that do create, we do want to mention this. Maybe this is you where you create. You know a time where you have no devices on or you put your cell phones away. I know families that at dinnertime they put them in a bowl somewhere, so there's no distraction with that. So if that is, if you're seeing that's a problem for you as a couple, then, whether it's on your iPad or whatever the case may be, that may be. And again going back to communication, if that bothers you, your spouse can't read your mind. Talk about that and know if that may be something you need to look at and to avoid having distractions during that time.

Robin:

Yeah, absolutely. I know we've covered a lot here.

Rob:

We have one last, I think one last thing. This seems again we're talking about, we've talked about communication, but this seems like a very simple thing to say, but number 10, we have a bunch, but this seems like a very simple thing to say, but number 10 is, you know, we've had, we have a bunch of numbers here for us, so we're just going to say I don't think we've been telling them any numbers, so they're all like how did we get to 10?

Rob:

No, we just skipped ahead, so anyway. So we fast forward regular check-ins you know, the important asking your spouse how are we?

Rob:

And I know that sounds very you would think you wouldn't have to ask that question. Yeah, but I, I think, especially when you've been, you could be married a short amount of time, but the longer it goes, the importance of going hey, how are we? Because if you can get ahead of the distractions, if you can get ahead of the when you feel emotionally disconnected, right and just you know, ask and say so, talk to me, yeah, where do you, how are we doing? Yeah, and that can be difficult, sure, because I mean again, or maybe not difficult.

Robin:

Maybe I'm going to push back on that a little bit. It can be um uncomfortable maybe, or maybe unfamiliar at first. Okay, I think it's one of those. It's like a habit that's really great to incorporate into your married life, but it's not like something that typically in general, you know, we're constantly how's our marriage right now?

Madison:

Right, you know what I mean.

Robin:

It's something that's going to be intentional. That's a better word, right? Maybe not unfamiliar as much as intentional.

Rob:

Because, again, we're talking about outside distractions that can come in. And when I say check in, you know we've talked so much before in the past about arguing and the stress that can cause that can come with that. So, understanding when you, when you, if you sense something, why not just ask if you feel stress or you feel a work situation, you know, or like work, for example, if, if I know, you're stressed and I ask you that that's a check in, so how are things at work?

Rob:

Yeah, yeah for sure what's going on there and you tell me most of the time. But just me asking keeps us connected, it keeps the distractions away and it doesn't allow anything to build up, because that's what our distraction becomes. It can be something that builds up over time and if we're not, we don't recognize. Because, again, every great marriage that we know continually works on these things.

Robin:

Yes.

Rob:

And it's so. As we end today's episode, we just really want to encourage you to take actionable steps to protect your marriage from distraction. Yes, and you've got to prioritize your marriage from distraction, yes, and you've got to prioritize. You've got to look at, you know when, when are the distractions the heaviest, what that may look like, and just communicate and say you know, because, again, marriage is worth it. It's worth, yes, it's worth being uncomfortable at times, absolutely yeah.

Robin:

Yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, because that's where growth comes.

Rob:

Oh yes, absolutely yeah, we're going to do something a little different today Before we close. We just want to. We just really felt impressed to do this. We've never done this on a podcast before, but we just, as you're listening to we just kind of wanted to say a prayer over you as a couple and ask God bless your marriage. Yes, that's what we're going to do, father. We just thank you for each couple that is listening. We pray protection over them, protection over their marriage, protection over their time together and any outside distraction that tries to come in and separate them. We just pray that you give them wisdom of knowing how to pause and step back, ask good questions and, most of all, invite you in to every situation that they've got.

Robin:

Yes, so good, and we just bless you. Guys, everybody that's listening. We just want to say thank you and we just pray that God blesses you, whatever is going on in your lives personally. We just pray that if you have questions, that God will bring answers and solutions and we just pray that he would keep you, strengthen you. We pray joy into your marriage and that you would just fall deeper and deeper in love and that you lean on him in everything.

Rob:

Yes.

Robin:

Yeah.

Rob:

Yeah.

Robin:

Because there's nothing we can't accomplish without him yeah, and so we just bless you guys. Yeah, in Jesus' name, yeah.

Rob:

Thanks for listening. See you soon, see ya Bye.

Madison:

You've been listening to Marriage and Us, with your hosts, Rob and Robin Atkins. Stay up to date by following them on Instagram at marriageandus underscore podcast and on Twitter at marriageandus. Also hit the follow button so you never miss an episode from your favorite couple.